I’m a fairly big and strong dude. I hate my current job and want to change careers. I think I would be a good goon, like a character Batman beats up before a boss fight in an Arkham game or that Noir detective outsmarts. How does one acquire such a job? I don’t see any posting on Indeed.
Go talk to Jimmy the Fish down at the docks. He has a few jobs that need takin’ care of.
I tried making cement shoes for someone, but I didn’t have any cement and made them out of wood instead. I hope that’s OK.
I tried walking to the docks but got stopped by a police officer who asked for my ID. Apparently you need a Longshoreman’s certification to hang aroudn the the docks now.
“The fuck do I need a longshoreman’s certification for? I’m a-LONG the SHORE ain’t I?”
You have to wear a shirt with black and white horizontal stripes, grow a five o’ clock shadow, and learn how to say “it’s da Bat!” with a thick Brooklyn accent
shirt with black and white horizontal stripes, grow a five o’ clock shadow
Okay well I already got that covered, but sadly I got a Baltimore accent not a Brooklyn one.
If you want work where you rough people up and don’t care about the ethical implications simply inquire about employment opportunities with your local police department
Well there’s three ways I’ve seen from back when I was a young irresponsible man. Join a boxing club, get a job as a bouncer of the scummiest strip club or bar you can find that’s run by kingpins, and make friends with high level drug dealers and go do debt collecting for them. It’s not that hard. Wienery dealers love to feel like badasses with muscle behind them. Just gotta find one that will pay you well enough to justify it.
get a job as a bouncer of the scummiest strip club or bar you can find that’s run by kingpins
Oh there’s actually a really nasty strip club one neighborhood over, I once went in there accidentally cuz I thought it was just a regular bar. I’ll see if they’re looking for someone, thanks!
Haha no problem. Wasn’t sure if you were joking or not but hey, if I can help a guy make the same shitty decisions that I did when I was in my 20’s then I’m all for it.
Honestly strip club bouncer is probably better than my current job. At least I get to sit down.
I had a friend who had a strip club go in at street level below their apartment (a somewhat odd zoning decision in a mostly residential/commercial area.) Was kind of funny though - they ended up being close with the bouncers who really liked their little dog, and they had enough of a relationship with the DJ that they could text if the music/bass was too loud (they did first/swing shifts) while the club adjusted to the new environment. They were a union organizer though, so I was impressed, but not surprised, they could find common ground.
Well I’ve been looking for a new guy, tell me do you have any experience dealing with mooks, rats, or deadbeats what ain’t paid their protection?
I died laughing at “deadbeats what ain’t paid their protection”
You know, my town it is really lacking. AFAIK there isn’t a single protection racket running in this place. I think I need to start one.
Uhhhhh, I’m good at breaking things. I could probably break a mooks head if yah want. Especially if I had a pipe or a baseball bat or somethin’.
Eyyy that’s what I like to hear! We’ll get you out to the docks this week. And hey, don’t feel too bad for yourself if, say, you got flummoxed by a vigilante throwing a coin or stone down to the other side of the hallway. Happens to one of my… associates every other week.
Don’t worry boss, I’m smarter than the average goon! I don’t fall for none of that stone throwing stuff. I know I gotta watch my post.
Try standing outside bars that don’t have bouncers and pretending to be one
make sure to wear a black shirt and cross your arms
ICE is also hiring.
Keep an ear out for bank robberies, diamond heists, or any other highly organized criminal activity in your neck of the woods. Then, do a little research into what evidence they left behind. Was there a themed calling card? A letter to taunt the authorities? Perhaps a direct callout to Batman? That, my friend, is the work of the person you’re going to be gooning for.
After that, it’s just a matter of applying yourself.
Depends what kind of goon you want to be. A hired sword by the king? A highway man looking for a mark? A goon who patrols the docks? A made man from New Jersey? A cyber splater punk with a neon mohawk?
I’m leaning towards a patrol the docks job, I live in a port city so that makes the most sense.
Alright I got a job for ya, there’s a load of guns coming in this week from down south, be there and bust up Luck Dan Bongo’s crew and snatch those guns kid.
Got it boss! I’m just gonna have a few drinks down at Donny’s Tavern first to make sure I’m good and relaxed when I do to do the job.
Crusher, what did I tell you about being drunk on the job??
Sorry boss, it’s just we always be in bars, what else am I supposed to do? There ain’t much else to do in bars.
police academy training. if you don’t wash out, you moonlight off duty. if you do, you put your training on a resume and look for corporate / executive security jobs. emphasize discretion as one of your core values.
ACAB includes MAHONEEEEEEEEEYYYYY
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Go to the local speak-easy.
Insult the guy who asks for the passphrase until they send out their goon to rough you up.
Prove your mettle in melee combat, then ask for a job.
my mom always says that you just gotta hand in your resume, shake the hand of the manager/boss sit straight up and show interest in the crime process maybe start sweeping the floor and just put a lot of work in in the crime factory.
Who is it?
Goons. Goons? Hired goons. Hired goons?Nah these aren’t goons. If you want to be a proper goon, you need to dress for the job. You’re not some high school kid who joined a street gang or some kid slinging rock on a street corner. You are a GOON. A proper henchman of a high-level figure in the criminal underworld. You need to have some respect for yourself. And that starts with dressing the part. We’re talking a three piece suit at a minimum. Or a fedora, and the rest of the outfit that actually makes a fedora work.
“Goon” isn’t just a job. It’s a profession. Put away the t-shirt and shorts; you’re embarrassing yourself. What kind of self-respecting goon doesn’t wear a suit?
Or if you’re more of a henchmen than a goon you’d wear something more like a jumpsuit with your supervillain’s insignia or motif on it so everyone knows who you work for
well
You gotta ace the interview, practice those affectations, you really gotta sound like a good goon, it might seem like a minor part of the job, and that upper body strength or shooting tommy guns is more important, but 90% of being a goon is just sounding like one. Call people “Wiseguy” and “Dames” a lot and it should start to fit into place.
Hang out in an alley at night, leaning one foot against a wall with your arms crossed
