My gf and I were flirting back and forth yesterday while we were at work and it seemed like we were building toward a night of impact play where I would punish her for double booking herself and having to cancel on me this weekend. She’s a fox girl and I’m (maybe, dipping my toe into it) a catgirl so I sent a picture of a mountain lion looking down on prey and we had a little exchange that ended up with her sending a picture of a fox with human eyes overlaid on it, looking both demure and sly (bratty, even). I asked if they were her eyes because they were heavily made up and I have yet to see her with a big eye look. She said “no, mine aren’t that pretty” to which I replied “well, I’ve never seen you with eye makeup so I don’t see why you couldn’t look like that”. She replied with, “I wish” and that was it until we saw each other later that night.

So, after work, I headed to the regular Tuesday night spot: a small, packed gay bar in [big city]. I got there before her, found our friends, and got to shooting the shit. A new-in-town friend of a friend was there who had a lovely, weird energy and we were having a great time. We dipped from the bar to grab some slices and I made sure to let my gf know. On our way back we ran into her and other friends coming to find us. She started running toward me and I toward her. Right before we would have collided, she stopped, did a jump kick, and I ducked. Then we held each other in a sweet, loving embrace while the two groups finally merged. Despite that initial burst of energy, I could tell something was off, though. She was clearly feeling down and forcing a smile.

Fast-forward to us going home after a quieter night hanging out in the bar with just a couple friends, most having gone home shortly after her arrival. We say our goodbyes to one of her other girlfriends and make our way to our cars. The short while we walked alone together, I could tell she was sinking deeper into self-loathing. In the brief time I’ve known her, I have seen this side on several occasions. I think it may have started because of the double booking situation, with putting herself down about her eyes feeding into it. Now she was feeling very dysphoric and clearly depressed, not able to pinpoint any particular reason for hating herself when asked.

When we arrived at her place, the mood was sad and somber. She silently forced herself to eat something, looking down and away from me. I tried giving her affection to no avail, though she did mention she was glad I was with her as she would likely be hurting herself in my absence. The usual nightly rhythm was all off-beat and out of time. Until last night we had always showered together, brushed our teeth together, and cuddled before drifting off to sleep. Last night, she wasn’t present and went about things as if I wasn’t there.

This morning, her mood hadn’t shifted much. She’s a poor sleeper and with the depression, she tends to drift in and out of sleep until the late morning. She quietly got up a few times to use the bathroom but few words or glances were exchanged. When, at last, she mustered the energy to join the world of the waking, she did so listlessly, troubled by the pain within and without (she was also having a bad back day). Asking how she was feeling this morning, she told me she was spiritually and emotionally overburdened. She is, I am learning, the sort of person who cares deeply for others and is highly affected by their (real or perceived) emotional states while she neglects her own until that no longer becomes possible and she’s overwhelmed. This was also how I lived my life until about a year ago and I understand the cycle on a visceral level. She’s been spending nearly all of her free time with friends or sleeping, leaving little for her needs which include: looking for a new job, getting through all the red tape so she can get her electrolysis and bottom surgery covered, spending enough time with her own thoughts to process and work through them, plan and prepare for a move in several months time. She acknowledged that she needs to work on shifting priorities but I don’t know that she has the energy to do so. I always offer to help in any way I can: coworking to help her get things done, doing as much admin on her medical shit as I can to ease that process, taking care of meals for her, etc. She doesn’t seem to be in a state of mind where it’s possible to accept help. I was also that way for most of my life.

And now I’m at home hurting so much for this sweet girl I met less than two months ago. I’m grateful that she has so many friends/partners that love her and are stable enough for her to lean on but I worry that she won’t be able to accept support when it’s clearly needed. I know this isn’t a unique situation. Hell, in my very brief time knowing her and integrating myself into the community she surrounds herself with, I’ve met plenty of folks Going Through It and a proportional amount of people with extra spoons trying so hard to help them through the dark times. So many of these crises could be avoided if society didn’t want to kill us so fucking much. Ugh, I need to go for a bike ride or something to clear my head.

I called the doctors. They have my referral for ffs. Nothing for bottom surgery. Nothing for BA. The BA wait list is doing consultations in 2029… And thats the quickest one and the least important one to me, the one I may just bail on if I get more growth.

Bottom surgery is gonna be a while. Anyone worth going to has a 5 year wait list or something like that. I wish I just had 100k I could throw at the problem to make it go away. But that would also hurt. I would be skipping the line cause someone gave me money. I would be able to go see the finest private surgeon and it wouldnt be fair to the other women who need this. I wish I had gotten on the waitlists 3 years ago. I had the ability I just was scared and overwhelmed.

Which brings me to today’s feeling: when I dont think about bottom surgery, really its just bottom surgery, when I dont think about it everything’s fine. When I just space out and dont look down there and just tuck as hard as I can. When I just make it all out to be fine and just dont think about it and out of sight out of mind. Then its ok. If i m not aware its ok. But every step towards bottom.surgery is incredibly painful. It puts into focus the part of myself that I have hated since I hit puberty. Maybe even before idk those years are missing from my memories so I can’t say. I dont know how to communicate the pain it is in my heart and in my soul and in my body. And I know I dont need to. Of all places, here is a place that there will be people who understand. But just. I feel so wrong, and I feel like I’m in the wrong for feeling wrong. And everything is fine actually just fix yourself why dont you its all in your head so just think happier thoughts yea?

Fuck me. I just want to be able to go to bed at night not feeling disgusted and horrified and like nothing will ever be right. Most nights I dont feel like that. Most nights I can space it out and not be present and sink myself into some fantasy. I remember now why I drank and smoked and did what I could to be numb. It hurts. Its ane existential pain and I dont know how to soothe it. No amount of ibuprophen or acetominophin or oxy or percs or anything can make it stop. I just want it to be over. I want that part of me fixed. If I could have nothing else, I would wish just for that. I wish the world was better. And I wish that I had lots and lots of money so me and all the other women could get what we need to be ok.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFrB9zNkVcw

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/the-worlds-largest-mammal-migration-is-taking-place-in-zambia-right-now-180985530/

https://www.bbc.com/travel/article/20260603-the-worlds-largest-mammal-migration-that-few-travellers-ever-see