A few years back my sister passed away, I’m now the only child my parents have left. They live a few hours away and have for as long as I have been with my partner (7 years).
My parents are planning on moving to the place we now live to be closer to me. This has my partner worried that they will be over often or I will be over at their house more often. Her parents are very far away so can only visit once a year.
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week.
We are both pretty private people so not having anyone over is just how we are and this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
I am also fine with them not coming over often, I like it being just me and her but I do want my parents close when they have medical emergencies.
How do I approach this as currently she is a bit annoyed but taking a more “see how this pans out” attitude?
I don’t exactly want to jump the gun and talk to my parents ahead of time to make sure they don’t come over often because I don’t think they will and it might sour their relationship to her if they think she doesn’t want them over ever, even if I also don’t want them over often.
Move further.
(Ï didn’t read the post)
Before your parents go to great expense to move, have a sit down and talk with them about this. Make sure everyone involved knows what to expect beforehand.
If they move and things aren’t what they expect, it will sour everyone’s relationship much more
This was something I recommend fully, OP I had to do the same with my mother moving out. I forced her to think about hard questions like
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What if we decide to move away (my partner and I)? Will you stay in your new home? Would you even be able to afford to move again? What if we left and you didn’t even like it there, after all we moved because we liked it.
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What if you don’t like it? Is being near me enough to justify living somewhere you don’t like?
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You will not be close to your friends and family anymore, which means missing some time critical things. (Think elderly family members, if we got the word it’s now a 5 hour flight plus a lot of driving). Are you sure you’re okay with that?
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(Important for OP) You will not have a key to our place, and we will not have an open door policy. We do have our own lives and our own friends, and it won’t be like when I was growing up where you could see me whenever you wanted. You’ll still have to call and schedule time with us. Does that change how you view this?
Ultimately she decided she was okay with those, but OP come up with a list of these, and have the hard conversation.
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From personal experience I see this as a red flag. If you are close with your family your partner should want to have a relationship with them too. Having them closer should be seen as a good thing.
Exactly this. There’s still some level of understandability to not wanting more frequent visitors, but given that expectations have been set appropriately, any further objection is just selfish.
The part where she is afraid that her partner will spend too much time with their parents is a big red flag by itself though. That seems inappropriately possessive.
At this point, OP’s partner has established that they don’t want frequent house visitors, and they don’t want their partner spending a disproportionate amount of time away from the home. That is workable, but any further disagreement really needs to happen later, if and only if one of these boundaries is being crossed to a demonstrable deficit to the relationship.
And the boundary for “spends too much time with parents” has to be something nuanced. Staying a week at your parents’ to avoid a fight with your partner at home is a problem. Staying a week at your parents’ while your mom recovers from surgery is basic familial responsibility.
Look, I’m not a family-oriented person, but the following sentences strike me as strange:
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week […] this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
Why would your privacy suddenly vanish when they only visit once or twice a month? Lol. Agree with the comments who want more context; does she have issues with your family, etc.? Maybe you have two different views of your family that’s clashing. Just thought the abovementioned quote sounded weird.
I’ve got overbearing parents who believe they are owed attention and act belligerent when their expectations for it aren’t met. Is this the situation here?
Why is this partner of seven years just a partner and not a spouse?
Taxes.
What are the tax benefits to getting married if you aren’t having kids?
We are common lawish.
It depends on how close your wages are. If you both earn the same, it will be nothing. If one of you earns more than the other, you might end up in a lower tax bracket.
I understand she wants freedom in a house she lives in.
But if you go to visit your parents it is not of her concern. She can not get both.
She might be worried about some fantasy she has, but it might not be too bad in the end.
I am in this situation. My parther is close (physically and emotionally) to her family and I wouldn’t want them visiting. But I am happy for her (without me) to go.
Problem arises when she wants me to go too and that’s where fight starts. Either eight away or after visit, wether I go or not.
No advice, just my experience.
