“What is my purpose?”
“You help people get cancer by lighting their cigarettes, cigars, and pipes and occasionally arsonists burning down orphanages.”
“Oh my God.”
People who light up candles: 😟
Birthdays don’t exist. That’s a myth made up by Big Cake to get people to buy more cake.
…you guys don’t use long stick lighters to light birthday candles, so as to not burn yourself when lighting 30 of those sumbitches?
Nah, I just use my Spaceballs The Flame Thrower, the kids love that one.
Really want a big cake now
I’m sorry but you’ve been fooled. It’s not big cake, it’s actually big candle. Big cake was just a decoy for big candle so people would focus their attention on an invisible enemy while they destroyed peoples lives from the shadows. Tell everyone.
I didn’t kill myself.
Of course you didn’t!
Falling out of the window was an accident.
Big cake was just a decoy for big candle so people would focus their attention on an invisible enemy
…where are you getting invisible cakes? 🤔
Big if true
Candles are actually bad for your home air and so are open wood fires, despite their romantic image. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/09/too-many-smelly-candles-heres-how-scents-impact-the-air-quality-in-your-home
Do people still light their cigarettes with matches though? I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen anyone even own matches outside of a survival kit lol
According to George Bluth matches are superior for lighting cigars (and probably pipes).
My grandpa used to keep cheap disposable matchbooks with him to light his pipe, the matches inside were basically paper, and I could never figure out how he lit them because every time I tried they would break or bend.
My trick is to fold the flap over top the match and lightly squeeze.
It took me a lot of practice back when I used to use them lol a lot of the time I would fold over the back of the matchbook and strike the match between the sides of the cover
Yup this is how I do it too
Pretty sure this is the intended way too
I know a lot of people who use them to light their fireplaces, since you just kinda prop it in there and leave it, which is unwise to do with a lighter.
I used to use em for a bong because it seemed real cool at the time.
Some liquor stores will give you matches if you ask, for free. It’s not terribly common, but it’s helpful if you’re a smoker and your lighter runs out.
I use them for lighting up lamps
Cigarettes probably not, cigars yeah. Apparently the gas from a lighter can ruin the taste of it.
On the bright side he can get some relief in knowing he’s taking them down with him.
Barbeque pitmasters in shambles
Jesus fuck that was upsetting
A lot more wholesome than I expected
— Benjamin, grab your brothers, don’t let them take you!
— Ahhh!! Brothers hold me, hooold meee!
— Benjamin nooo!
— Forgive me son, they are about to…
— What are they doing? ×chhsk× AHHHHHHHHH!!!
— BENJAMINNN!!!
— AAAHHHHHHHhhhhhh…
Is that what you wanted?
Yup, much better than original.
Hans Christian Andersen wouldn’t have ended it there.
Well fuck… now I’m gonna be sad every time I light my charcoal grill…
Really? I thought it was touching.
It was. But I have several boys off in college that I rarely hear from… just hits a little hard.
Ah. Understandable. My girl is sitting on my leg right now.
And she’s a cat.
But I get it.
;_;7
I bet there’d be different dialogue if the matches could feel pain.
Humans feel pain, but we don’t feel the oxidation happening in us constantly. I’d say it’s more about what you’re built for rather than strictly a concept of pain.
I actually like this depiction because while it does anthrophromize inanimate objects, it also doesn’t at the same time. They’re matches, even if they were conscious, there’s no reason they would have the same philosophy and disposition as humans. From a human view this seems fucked up, but they’re not humans, not even animals, and therefore likely have no need for a survival instinct or aversion to dying, and similarly would also have no need to feel physical pain since that’s tied into the not dying thing, so they wouldn’t mind at all. They would most likely see this as completely normal and even honourable, and might even consider us cowardly and pathetic for being so averse to dying by bursting into flames. Their worst fear might actually be the prospect that they’ll be destroyed in some other, boring way, or worse, be forced to lay dormant forever, and therefore never get the chance to experience the glory of catching on fire. That might be what actually causes them pain and suffering which they are spared from by burning to death. In the same way that Klingons are depicted to hold dying in battle in higher regard than all other fates.
Basically matches are Klingons is what I’m saying.
Kah pla
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Oh, I thought it was gonna be a period joke.
