I feel a little alienated from my sisters sometimes and took forever to understand myself because I lack the standard narratives everyone seems to have. I never knew what was wrong with my life. Not even a little. I’m AuDHD and I grew up when Silence of the Lambs and Ace Ventura were coming out. I had a privileged, well-off childhood with early access to the internet and my parents told me that if I just kept acing math and science tests I’d be set for life. So I just got up in the morning, put on clothes society told me to put on, sat through school, and then went home and dissociated out of my body onto the internet. On the internet I got to be no one without a body, shitposting on 4chan (before /tttt/ existed, thank the sun) and then fark and then reddit.
I never picked girl characters in rpgs, but you know the one rpg character I really, really got into imagining myself as? My Forsaken (undead) WoW main. Because he was dead, and struggling to find some purpose in his undead existence.
Taking hormones shocked me to my core because I suddenly came alive and hadn’t even realized I was dead. I felt present in my body and feminine and they went together and felt completely right. Looking back on my life now, I didn’t feel like a girl trapped in the wrong body, I felt dead and absent and coped with it by being anon online. Life never forced me to reckon with myself and that feels embarrassing now.
Now I’m craving sisterhood and validation and being seen. But I’m well into middle age and I’m shackled to a house in the suburbs I sleepwalked into. I can be the woman I want to be but real growth is slow and I’m impatient. I keep vomiting my feelings at people like I am in this post (and people find it off-putting I think). Can anyone relate to my story?
Fuck, I need to watch I Saw The TV Glow, don’t I
In my 30s I slowly realized that a lot of my body issues stem from dysphoria. And now I feel I am too old and bald to even transition.
You can transition whenever, you’re allowed to be whoever you are however you want.
Even if you avoid social transition hormone changes can feel wonderful emotionally if you’re trans. I remember feeling like colour came into the world for the first time, I was able to take joy in things.
False, estrogen does wonders for your hair. Even if it didn’t work, wigs.
Yeah. It just feels like a lot of work, and like I’m faking it. There’s a lot of unpacked self esteem issues and AuDHD gives me executive dysfunction so even thinking about transitioning feels like a never ending checklist I will never get around to.
In my experience, I wasn’t about to start building up momentum to function until after I started estrogen. I’d been on psych meds for nearly a decade and they helped a ton but it never really clicked until I started HRT.
You can.
Furiosa is really hot in Fury Road and she’s bald, and wigs can do a lot
I don’t look like Charlize Theron lmao, but yeah, I’m figuring it out. It just gives me mad dysphoria
It’s literally never too late, you are not too old. I transitioned in my 30s (a lot of my hair grew back thanks to hrt btw, and so did my girlfriend. I know a woman who transitioned in her 60s