With how my history of employment is, I kind of wanna just give up on conventional employment and start a commune. I’ve bee doing some research and it would be hella hard at first but once systems are in place, I think it would be doable. I’ve talked to a few friends and 3 of them seem on board with the idea but I’m not sure how hard they think this endeavor might be.

Maybe I’m being silly about this whole thing though. But I just really can’t keep doing the “job search for a year > have a job for 1.5 years > get fired and start over” cycle anymore. I started looking passively for a new job and it just feel gross at this point.

Anyway, it’s Pride Month. I hope everyone enjoys all the mega-corporations changing their logos. Love for all my disabled, trans, queer, and enby siblings.

This past few days I’ve been having a heavy, real period. The first for three years. I thought they’d stopped. Since then I’ve only had about two light periods a year until now. No idea what brought this on. Also feeling really overwhelmed with the ridiculous amount of useless medical appointments I’m expected to attend. If I’d managed to get a ten year award for my disability payments, I wouldn’t bother. But with only two years until reassessment I have to keep going to this useless crap to get letters of support. I have my first appointment with the NHS dietician tomorrow. It’s about the fact that my cancer treatment has made me severely intolerant and allergic to so many foods I can barely eat anything other than chicken, carrots and chocolate without getting terribly ill. And this has of course caused me to develop a ton of nutrient deficiencies. And my body can’t even tolerate the supplements that are meant to correct the deficiencies. I have no hope at all that the dietician will be any use though. They already told me that the treatment is to slowly reintroduce foods, well I’ve been trying that for ages and it’s not working. And I’ve been on the waiting list for about 2 years, they don’t even care that I have many symptoms from these nutrient intolerances (such as worsening neuropathy in my feet that is causing me to lose movement in my toes), it’s not seen as urgent at all. I wish they would just put me down. Thank god someone came through on mutual aid, otherwise I’d have nothing to eat. With such a limited diet I wouldn’t be able to rely on the food bank even if they allowed people to go more than three times every 6 months, which they don’t.

My doctor only recently graduated and hasn’t dealt with the bullshit as it relates to the disability system. I had to tell her today I got denied and legal aid had said it was because her wording wasn’t what they wanted, and she was really pissed that I’m actively suffering from super high anxiety bc of something so minor and stupid.

She gave me new drug to try too so yippee

“Because we recalculated your support you owe the state 0.80 dollars retroactively, we are sending a mail with payment information. If you don’t respond we will add an 80 dollar surcharge”

What the shit man.

Finally had my appointment with the NHS dietician, and the news wasn’t great. Most of my food intolerances and allergies, nothing can be done about it and I have to just avoid those foods. But she said because my range of foods I can eat is so narrow, I am really malnourished and blood tests show my health is dangerously affected from it. She advised me to include seafood in my diet like prawns and fish since I can generally tolerate those (I usually just eat chicken as far as animal products go as it’s cheaper) and they would add extra nutrients to my diet. The problem is those things are expensive and I already struggle to get enough mutual aid. I don’t think I can afford to do it. She was also weirdly obsessed with getting me to consume dairy alternatives (since i can’t consume actual dairy without getting sick). She said it’s necessary for calcium even though my blood tests showed my calcium level is actually OK and I thought needing dairy for calcium had been debunked years ago?

One the one hand, eugenics is a blight on humanity, but on the other, I’m terrified if I have kids they’ll inherit my disorder, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies, let alone people I love.

I know I’ve both complained about and attempted to defend my therapist on here, but now that she’s no longer my therapist, I feel no need to continue defending her. She was often dismissive of my breakthrough symptoms, was kinda dismissive what I suspect might be an eating disorder, and she wanted me to live my life according to her vision, not mine. Not least of all, partway through she started misgendering and deadnaming me and never gendered my sibling right. Honestly, I’m kinda glad to stop running defense for her.

Honestly this was on me. I relied on a 5 minutes bus trip not to be 10 minutes late. So now I’m gonna be late for my fucking exam

Being autistic is like having to constantly go to meetings where someone is going “This is what faces mean! This is what "normal" social behavior is like!”

On repeat. Presumably until one dies.

~Getting a little sick of it.~

Mu migraines are flaring up terribly because now it’s summer, everyone has their windows open and the air is filled with perfume, laundry detergent and other nonsense. It’s so awful, yesterday I took two different migraine pills and still couldn’t get rid of it. Still have a trace of it today. It’s absolute torture, I wish I could just be put down humanely.

Just realised I’ve begun reincorporating the word “Lame” into my vocabulary. That shit sucks, I’m sorry. Gonna try to not use that from now on.

Me normally: I could see myself going into surgery. I like the immediacy of it. You know you go in, you do the thing, you’ve helped someone or at least you know exactly what happened and you can see the effects.

Me after more than 2 seconds in the presence of surgeons: The ancient Greeks believed that the profession of surgery was undertaken by a different kind of person, one that shouldn’t have the right to vote, and they may have had a point.

I am realizing I spent most of last week doing stuff in minecraft.

my hospital sent me a letter with a first class stamp on it ($0.74) to tell me i owe them a dollar

If I have to listen to someone tell me about empathy/faces/whatever one more time I’m going to fucking scream.