I beat myself bloody today and the shift leader saw.

It was the first dangerously hot+humid day of the year in the factory and I spaced out on drinking my ice water for the first hour because of my ADHD (I’ve been trying to get meds for a while, but my panic attacks make them reluctant to prescribe stimulants even though my ADHD is what often triggers my panic attacks), and when I went to get a drink I realized I accidentally left it on an empty bin and it was taken away by the forklift material handler.

Okay. Deep breaths. Just ask for help.

So I call him back to my welding cell and ask if he could look where he took the used bin. He agrees, drives off, but he’s taking a long time and I’m starting to get really anxious. On top of that the heat symptoms are starting - lips tingling, legs cramping/lethargic, rapid heart rate, very sweaty, flushed complexion, and confusion. Meanwhile, I’m continuing to run my welding cell (lots of running back and forth, bending+lifting+twisting, and focus on inspecting parts) and the confusion has me running around my cell even more because I’m trying to find where my water might be (just in case I missed it the first six times, I swear I did pushups 4 times looking under my station and bins).

He comes back fifteen minutes later, can’t find it. Of course. So, uh, I punch myself as hard as I can in the face four or five times. I don’t know why I do this shit. Am I trying to punish myself? It’s humiliating. Anyway, then I get back to work.

I call my team lead to tell him I don’t have water and I don’t feel good, and he mentions the blood. I thought I wiped it all off. Shit. Okay, I’ll wipe it off more and get back to work. He and a few other people look around for my water, eventually the shift lead comes by with an empty water bottle to fill and I’m excused to get some water.

And I was still bleeding, and he saw the blood, and he told me to clean myself. He knows I have a problem with self harm at work, and I’ve been warned about it before multiple times, and I’m certain I’m going to have to talk to HR on Monday and I’m going to get fired. I have so much fucking debt I can’t lose this job, fuck fuck fuck. I ruin every opportunity I have and squander all of my second and third chances. They’ve talked to me about this so many times, why can’t I just be fucking normal?

Before my transition, my panic attacks manifested as yelling and hitting things (in addition to the other more normal panic stuff) but now it’s all self directed. I’m only yelling at myself and I’m only hitting myself, because… why? My mom self harmed, my dad was violent, am I just reenacting their behaviors? Did I simply transition from my violent dad to my self destructive mom? Am I just trying to punish myself? Do I hate myself for being a woman? For being like my mom?

And I’m fucked. I’ll know for sure on Monday, but I’m already pretty sure. I won’t find another job that pays as well unless maybe I get 2 jobs, and fuck me, I already live in filth and my garden still isn’t fully planted and there’s so many backlog projects I need to get to around the house and fuck fuck I’ve ruined everything like I always do. I’m going to lose my trailer, lose my car, lose my health insurance and access to hrt, I’ll never be able to go back to school, I’m a fucking 34 year old kiss-less handhold-less virgin and everything gets worse forever. I have so little and now I’m going to lose what little I have - I always ruin everything.

And now I have this hanging over my head for the whole weekend. I guess I’ll spend another weekend miserable, doing nothing.

I have no clue what I’ll do if (when) I lose this job. I’m not finding another one this good, not in this economy. This is it.

I don’t want to die.