This is a serious question, mostly addressed to the adult women among us but also to anyone else who has a stake in the matter.
What did your father do for you/not do for you, that you needed?
Context: I have recently become a father to a daughter, with a mother whose father was not around when she was growing up. I won’t bore you all with the details but our daughter is here now and I am realising that I’m the only one in our little family who has really had a father before. But I have never been a girl. And I know that as a boy, my relationships with my mother and father were massively influential and powerful but at the same time radically different to each other. People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.
Question: What was your father to you? What matters the most when it comes to a father making his daughter loved, safe, confident and free? To live a good life as an adult?
I’d like this to be a mature, personal and real discussion about daughters and fathers, rather than a political thing, so I humbly ask to please speak from the heart and not the head on this one :)
Thank you
P.S Apologies if this question is badly written or conceived; I haven’t been getting enough sleep! It is what it is!
As a father, love your child, accept your child, and above all listen to your child.
Thanks so much for your advice. Listening has come a lot in this discussion and I wasn’t expecting it… Why is that? is it because listening shows a daughter that she matters?
Everyone needs to feel heard. You won’t always be able to solve all their problems. But you can make them feel heard. And often that’s more important.
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I’ll add to what others have said about listening, don’t assume she wants you to solve every problem. My dad used to do that and it drove me crazy, especially when he’d point out out like it was so obvious. I often already knew the solution, but sometimes I didn’t like it or just wanted to vent before moving forward. I think it’s good for most relationships to ask, “do you want advice or is this just to get it off your chest,” before responding, not just with daughters, but I’ve noticed dads are particularly prone to wanting to fix the thing.
I think our lizard brain jumps to the fore and want to be like: “unga-bunga - problem! Me can fix with solution! It make tears stop!” when in reality, like you said, kids want someone they trust to give them permission to do the thing they know they need to do. They need to know they can come to you and be open and safe and loved.
Yeah, it’s like that as an adult too. Pretty much everything feels better when there is a sense of compassion and empathy but not always the case with solutions. It makes me think that in general as humans we are much more concerned with each other than we are with the world. Or even ourselves, perhaps.
Being a parent is like one part being a therapist, one part being the fence to the boundaries of exploration, and one part being The Doctor or some superhero in your child’s eyes capable of making magic and excitement happen. Fucking incredible, honestly.
What a great way of describing it. And what an absolute honour and privilege to be that for someone!
You won’t always know what’s wrong with your daughter or what she needs but if you listen to her, like really listen, she will tell you which is so much more important.
In the long term, her being about to tell you things will make her feel safe and validated, it will strengthen your bond with each other, and it will help her develop the emotional intelligence to express herself in a healthy way that so many kids are missing these days. It’s win win win.
Because listening takes energy.
Because even though you might know what will be best for her - You might not have her big picture.
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This thread already has so much great advice that it made me a bit teary eyed reading it. I don’t know if I can contribute much but I’ll try.
- 90% of parenting is just showing up. Your physical, mental, and emotional presents will mean far more to them than anything else. That’s what will make them feel valued and loved.
- Fuck gender norms. Regardless of if your child wants to learn to sew, fix engines, or both, embrace it, encourage them, and be there with them every step of the way.
- They don’t really have any perspective on things so small things to you are huge things to them. Don’t just dismiss their feelings.
- like everyone else said, listen to them. Like really listen every time.
- Don’t over think it. If you’re asking these questions, your head and heart are already in the right place. Trust yourself.
Yeah, last point is very true. I can already tell this girl is gonna have a good father regardless if he applies anything from this thread or not, given he cares enough and has the humility to ask.
I totally agree. It makes me so happy to see this new generation that’s completely redefining what fatherhood looks like.
I’m going to reply to OP directly, but your point on really listening is huge. My SO shared an article that, while I don’t have access to share it, I’m gonna copypaste it to OP because I think every parent needs to read it. Thank you for bringing it up!
Thanks so much for your comment - it’s given me confidence, compassion and some peace too :) It’s taken me nearly a week to read everyone’s replies and over that time it has made me feel quite emotional too. We all have so much love and goodness that we want to make happen the world. I’m eally glad I made this post.
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My dad never spent time with me because we didn’t share hobbies, I tried desperately as a kid to get into what he liked, but he never tried to get into what I liked. My mom knew the names of the kids on Barney, what snacks cheered me up, or what friends I had in school, my dad also lived in the house.
As adults we’ve found common ground in politics and TV, and we have a relationship now, but we’d have a much better relationship if he’d tried to hang out with me back then.
So I guess my advice is just hang out with her, whatever form that takes. Time is so important.
What do you remember your dad for?
Listen. Listen and make sure they know you hear them. Actively engage in thier interests. Be honest. Just don’t bullshit them. Daughters know. Mine are 27 and 11 and those are my biggest missteps along the way.
Oh, also be wrong. Be wrong and accountable. And learn.
I can see see myself prone to those mistakes, as well as reluctant to avoid them. So it’s good to know they’re important and that it’s worth trying to. Thanks for that
So much nice advice here. I’m turning 30 this month and my dad and I continue to be very close. Top things I’m grateful for about my dad:
My dad is always lifting me up, but he did not and does not give me empty praise. He to this day gives me compliments about specific things he notices, which is amazing for my self esteem. Some examples: While I was cleaning the other day and kind of barking directions : “I love it when you get in the zone like this. It’s like you can accomplish anything” or “that’s something I have always been in awe of about you; you somehow know when people are down and figure out a way to lift them up. You’re very intuitive about it.” Or during a long day of hard work, " you’re like a machine! You’re incredible. Do you need anything?" Complimenting every little thing will just make her not trust your compliments. Being specific and accurate in your praise will help her feel truly good about herself and also strengthen your bond.
Idk what it’s like if it’s a step daughter and not a bio daughter but my dad would take me out. We never called it daddy daughter dates or anything (ew) but he would take me to dinner and a movie, or buy me flowers, or stop for coffee or ice cream at local shops. If we had to go somewhere for work or to pick up something for a home project he’d just stop at a bookstore and say this place looks cool, want to procrastinate a little in here with me? I know he loves to spend real time with me and he’s always opening me up to new places/hobbies
MOST IMPORTANTLY: my dad adores and dotes on my mom. There is nothing he won’t do for her. He will help her with the same problem a hundred times. He will make her coffee just the way she likes it every morning. He spoils her, he relies on her, he treats her like he is lucky to be around her, and that helps me to know exactly how I should be treated. I don’t allow anyone to mistreat me, not partners, not coworkers, not friends or in-laws. I know what a healthy relationship looks like, and I know what a partnership of respect and love looks like. My parents argue in front of me, sure, but I never ever doubt how much they love each other.
This is all amazing advice, and I would like to add one thing to it, don’t lie to her. People casually lie to their kids all the time, “I don’t have any change”, “we are all out of cookies”, “don’t worry, grandma is fine and will be back to normal in no time.”. Kids aren’t stupid, and they remember way more than you think. They see you pull out the change you “didn’t have” at the next stop. They see/hear/smell the cookies that you are sneakily eating. They can tell something is wrong with grandma. Have some backbone and be honest, “no, we aren’t wasting money on trash toys”, “no, sugar this late will keep you awake and make you insane”, “grandma is not feeling well, but we are doing everything we can for her, and we are going to let her know we miss her and love her”.
My dad told me to eat salads and lose weight when I was a little kid. I will never forget. Please don’t shame her, weight and appearances are so touchy but criticizing every bite I ate only fucked me up. I was chubby, I still consider myself the same proportional level of chubby as when I was a kid. I have yoyo dieted my whole life and when I see him I still just push food around my plate.
The one great thing I remember about my childhood was driving long distances the two of us. He would often need to drive a few hours out of town to pick stuff up for work, and I would sit in the passengers seat with one of those huge map books and I would navigate us there. It was a ton of fun just doing mini road trips once or twice a month.
I also went to conventions related to his profession, the topic was boring but conventions of any type inevitably have loads of candy dishes. Just doing things together the two of us felt special.
I’m sorry that your dad said those things about food and weight and it caused that for you. I’m also really grateful for the advice and happy that you had sweet times together too. It’s really cool that he took you with him for hose trips.
Did his share of the housework. My dad didn’t know how to cook well, but you bet your butt he did laundry, vacuumed, dusted, washed dishes, whatever was needed around the house he did it. And he did cook at least once a week, although it was always stuff like grilled cheese or pancakes.
Growing up in a household where both parents put in equal effort at home really set up the expectation for me that this is how relationships work.
My dad was also very loving and openly affectionate to us all. He would give us hugs, tell us he loved us and how proud of us he is, even to the point of tearing up sometimes. I love that about him and see it as an admirable quality in men.
Girls learn what to expect from men based on what they see their fathers do. Be kind, gentle, and respect your daughter and that’s the kind of men she’ll surround herself with.
I don’t have much positive examples, but I suppose we can learn from mistakes. Alright, here goes …
- You just created a new human. This human to a certain degree takes precedence now. Plan accordingly, don’t move every 2 years, give her a chance to grow with her environment. (I can explain this is detail if needed.)
- If your kids cries, it’s probably not because it’s an evil manipulator. It does not need to be told to be tough.
- If your kid consistently gets sick when she has to go to school, don’t just send her anyway, check if there’s a reason.
- Be curious! When she says or does something you don’t understand, ask. Be open about the answer and don’t judge what you hear.
- Be on her side. If you’re taking a different position, explain the why and how.
- Clean up together, involve her, be a part of it! Show her that men have a part to play in household stuff, teach her that it can be fun to live in a tidy, clean, beautiful space.
- Your child is not part of fights with your wife. If you want to go to Hawaii and your wife wants Canada, your kid will not be the one to decide.
- Don’t make jokes about or be ironic with a kid. A 14 year old is still a kid, a 16yo is still a kid. Kids are very vulnerable and you’re teaching them, that they can’t trust you with stuff. Particularly when it comes to love/gender/sex/periods, just don’t act like it’s funny.
- Do not comment body shape, not hers, not others, not in general. You have a type? Good for you, but that isn’t for your daughter to know or consider. If you like petite dark haired women but your daughter is tall and blonde, she will understand this as her not being pretty enough. No matter how pretty she is or if your wife is just as tall and blonde. Sentences like “All xy-women eventually turn into square shape, it’s just how that demographic works” are shitty without you telling this to your kid.
- She likes a boy band? Great, you can drive her to the gig and pick her up later!
- She reads teenager magazines because she’s a teenager, maybe you want to hear her opinion on this stuff. She certainly doesn’t need any condescending attitude though.
- Maybe sometimes children need to be humbled, but many times life will do that on its own. Consider your own vulnerabilities, before putting them in their place. What they said may sound arrogant, but still be true for their situation.
- Whatever she wants to do or create: Be supportive! She does not need to be a child genius and you don’t need to tell her, that she’s not Picasso.
- “There will only be boys there, are you sure that’s what you want to do?” is not in your vocabulary.
- When she picks a study subject, maybe don’t point out that this may be too hard for her. Help her prepare instead!
You can do this! My list is very long, but ultimately simple: If you lean into your own vulnerabilities and share this with her, a lot of these things will happen on their own. Be open and curious. You can’t teach her everything, she’ll have to fall on her face by herself. Be there to pick her up afterwards and just keep that up.
This is probably the best, most concise comment
I apologize but this will be kind of dark. As a father I know you are going to be desperate to protect her, but don’t wax poetic about dealing violence to anyone who would do her wrong. For example, don’t talk about beating her current boyfriend/girlfriend if they cross her. Girls are going to have shitty relationships because that’s a part of growing up. Don’t make her think talking to you about them is the nuclear option when she’s still trying to figure out what is acceptable and her boundaries. If she thinks you’ll go beat the shit out of any one who looks at her funny, she might not come to you with her problems until she is willing to accept her dad going to prison for a long time. Everyone is right about listening to her, but make sure she that she knows that you can be trusted. Listen, accept her decisions, work with her, and not to fly off of the handle. Best of luck new father, since you’re asking the right questions I think you are going to be fine.
Thank you for mentioning this. I think it’s really important and often overlooked because it’s shrugged off as “dads will be dads” behavior.
I am really happy that people are willing to consider how toxic that aggression is. It’s so engrained in our culture that it’s considered normal when a father threatens to have his gun out when first meeting his daughter’s partner. Nobody really thinks about the effects of this normalized violence.
My dad is arguably not the best dad in many ways, but he taught me a solid work ethic, and most importantly, called 911 when I was attacked by my husband. The best thing a dad can do is teach his daughter how she should be treated by men.
Don’t be afriad to involve her in your stuff, even if it’s boy stuff. My dad taught me how to fix cars, wilderness survival, how to shoot guns, how to fix stuff, it didn’t matter that I was a girl, if I was interested he’d show me. I didn’t care that this was boy stuff, I just liked that I was helping dad.
With the bonus payoff of me being a rather handy cabable adult too! Although he did his fair share of playing Barbie and tea party as well.
She might not like all of your hobbies (I never liked fishing) but give it a shot! Don’t be afraid just bc some stuck up parents would be agast she’s learning to change the oil in the car.
With the bonus payoff of me being a rather handy cabable adult too!
Please extend your Dad my best wishes. I nearly lost my faith in humanity when my two female roommates called me over to change a lightbulb because “electricity is scarry”.
Don’t be afraid to be wrong and take accountability for your actions. I personally admired my grandpa for telling me this before his passing, there’s no shame in diligently striving for honor.
Most importantly, fight for those who can’t fight for themselves, you might never see the results of your actions; but you’ll be able to sleep soundly at night.
Hey, I have some simple advice, dad to dad. She’s going to start by copying everything you do, and you need to involve her, and make her feel involved, in those things so she learns them. Especially encourage that in doing the chores together and eating vegetables together.
As she gets older, the temptation to continue to guide her in directions you know will be fierce. But you need to help her explore things you don’t know, and tell her “I don’t know this, but what do you need to learn about it so I can help.”
Also, coping strategies… When you get stressed, let her see you deal with it in a healthy way, so she’ll learn how to deal with her own stress in a healthy way. If you don’t have healthy coping strategies, get a therapist and learn some.
By asking this question you’re already ahead.
Be your genuine self. Share your wisdom. Love your child.
I am a woman whose father was an abusive narcissist, the list of what I needed and didn’t get is depressing to say the least. So I’ll boil it down to its essence: Be there when needed. Remember she is her own person, not an extension of you. Try to make her life better than your own. Let your love be unconditional. It may not be helpful advice, but it’s all I got for ya.
Thank you
