Without getting TOO far into it, I had been struggling with finding motivation to continue playing, writing, and doing all the work that comes with being in a band for a long time. At least a year, maybe 2. I never said anything and kept pushing myself out of a sense of obligation to the others. One day back in March, I was trying to learn a riff someone else had written, and I just…lost it. Got up, said “fuck this, I’m going home,” and left the practice space. Didn’t say anything to anyone for a few days before apologizing for how I handled myself.

I got my stuff off my chest, we finished up our booking commitments for the year, and…that’s kinda been it. It’s been really nice having that time back, and I’m going through an IOP program now after my last hypomania episode and have been feeling pretty good the past few weeks. Stuff with my partner feels good. I’m back to playing video games, enjoying my time, and watching movies and anime. Hobbies I’ve had for years. Not once have I felt the urge to go play guitar, or even so much as visit the practice space.

Nobody in the band has really checked on me, aside from asking me for money for practice space rent (which is just done through a Zelle request really) or to pay off record pressing from last year. I don’t really listen to doom metal anymore. For a few years it’s been crust punk and more poppy punk I used to love in high school, with some folk thrown in. That’s if I even listen to anything at all. I don’t even play games with music on these days. Music does not move me anymore. I don’t really care. Other local musicians that I regularly see on social media, I don’t really talk to them about music, just politics and jokes and stuff. I don’t go to local shows, I barely go to shows in general unless it’s a band that means a lot to my partner. I don’t give two shits about what local bands have what going on, I don’t really talk to other musicians much at all. Never really did. When I would play shows, I was always a ghost from the time we finished load in/sound checks until stage time and load out.

All that said, the band (really, my project, I started it in my bedroom alone) is 10 years old this summer. I feel like part of me wants to just call it dead and done, and another part of me wants to hold on to it and maybe come back to it sometime when I feel like I can get invested and excited again. I just have no idea when that might be, if ever. If the other folks don’t feel up to working with me anymore, cool, I can just go back to doing shit on my own. It might even be nice to just write and record stuff without playing shows.

I don’t really know why I’m typing all this up, but I’ve felt like posting this would be good for me for a while, so here we are I guess. Thank you for your attention to this very important matter - DJT.