Stop talking.
Either you’re being an arse or they are.
Stop talking.
Oh, so you’re stonewalling me?
Stop getting relationship advice/expectations from 4chan, for starters.
But my relationship is going a little too well
It’s best to explain why what’s your doing is not mansplaining. That always works.
The real answer is to leave. I don’t think I’ve ever had a meaningful or productive conversation where any of these were used.
Though I can see stonewalling being used in earnest.
It’s best to explain why what’s your doing is not mansplaining. That always works.
If somebody accuses you of mansplaining, there is nothing you can do. that makes this so toxic as an argument. It’s basically saying “Whatever you are saying or want to say is worthless because of your gender”. I know that mansplaining is in theory a specific kind of disrespectful explaining, but in too many cases it’s used to deflect valid arguments. If someone is acting like that, the only way is to not interact further.
Yeah that top part was a joke.
It would be like asking a woman if it’s her time of the month or if she’s PMSing. It’s aggressively devalidating and at that point there’s nothing to say.
Stonewalling is probably the best only one on that list where a response would actually make anything better.
I have a sister in law like this. She’s really cool and we generally get along but God damn is she hard to deal with sometimes.
There was one instance where it was our niece’s birthday and we had made this shitty balloon arch for pictures. When it came to the end of the party and we needed to break it all down, I knew that a bunch of the balloons had like confetti in them. She was helping with the breakdown, and I had dealt with these before so I was like “watch out for the confetti balloons, try to cut them open near the know and let the air out slow, and do it over a garbage can incase it pops. They will shoot confetti everywhere if they pop and it’s a pain in the ass to clean up” and she just turned at me with tho most vitriol “ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MANSPLAIN TO ME HOW TO POP BALLOONS?!” and I was like “Okay jeez, was just trying to help”
Not two minute later I see her with a pin just popping the balloons off of the arch. Fucking confetti everywhere. I turned to my wife, who saw the exchange and I was like “yeah I’m not helping clean that up”
This is the same woman who screams about body shaming etc, and when she expressed interest in one of my friends who is Japanese said “He’s hot but it’s too bad he probably has a small dick”. Like… That’s racist AND body shaming.
We agree on a lot of things socially and politically, and like I said generally we get along, but she also complains very loudly about how she can’t keep relationships sustained and it’s like… Yo, all you do is vocally complain about how men are the source of all problems. But you also want to be with one?
Like, look… I’m all in support of feminism, but it should be about rising women up, not chopping men down. I didn’t choose to be born with a penis. Why am I automatically an enemy? I’m an ally.
Fuck.
First part: mansplaing and helping are often hard to tell apart. Especially if you get mansplained all the time. In this case I am sure you are in the right.
Second part: we didn’t choose to have a penis but we are part of the patriarchy problem. We were socialized with privileges and those let us behave in a way that keeps said patriarchy working. Feminism for me is about figuring out what helps to level the playing field and what doesn’t. I am wrong a lot.
Being an ally is sometimes confused with “I am not doing anything wrong” like not being sexist. That is not enough anymore. We need to speak up when somebody else uses behaves in a sexist way. We need to actively change things because we are the patriarchy and by being part of that are helping to keep the status quo just by existing as a male in the society and passively enjoying the privileges that come with that.
First part: mansplaing and helping are often hard to tell apart. Especially if you get mansplained all the time. In this case I am sure you are in the right.
One of the problems with “Hello, I’m from the internet and I have a story where I was definitely right and the other person was the asshole” is that you’re getting a very one-sided narrative without any historical context.
Just-So rants are a dime a dozen around here. “Why am I the victim, just because I’m a guy?” has - in my experience - been a big fucking red-flag.
The difference between mansplaining and helping is all about the level of condescension attached to your “help”. If you are genuinely trying to relay information that you feel may help someone…you’re good. If you’re talking down to someone that you feel would already have this information, if only they had been born with a penis…you’re being a misogynistic asshole.
Then why call it man splaining? Misogynsplaining is better word than that sexist shit you call it
I agree.
Out of interest and looking at the downvotes: did I not communicate well? Is my position precieved as pro patriarchy?
Not as far as I could tell. I was just adding my two cents to your two cents. It wasn’t meant as criticism, just embellishment. I have no idea why you’re getting any downvotes. The internet is a weird place sometimes.
Thanks for your response
Ask “Why do you feel that’s what I’m doing?” then reflect on the answer and how your behaviour was perceived this way. Finally, if after reflection you come to the conclusion that indeed you acted poorly, apologise and try to behave differently in the future.
And if it doesn’t?
Then they are acting unreasonably. It’s not so hard.
tell her to calm down, she is being hysterical
Well it’s either you or her. Get better at communicating or tell her to figure out her shit.
I feel like everyone here needs a reminder that love bombing is something that happens AFTER mistreatment to make the victim calm down and become compliant.
This isn’t just being overly affectionate, it’s a technique used to manipulate behavior and keep a victim loyal.
Also, despite the name, the relationship does NOT need to be romantic for this to apply. Literally anyone in your life can be a abuser with tactics like this. Usually, sadly, it’s someone with some authority or ability to screw up your life. For example, like a workplace manager or a family member.
I thought it was a thing used at the beginning to get people to join cults.
Though it can be used during the initial parts of a relationship to make it progress at a very fast rate. Imo it’s best to hit the brakes even if the other person isn’t abusive. And hit the brakes as in don’t rush to move in with them, get married, or have a kid, as I think ending a relationship because it’s moving too fast is just as likely to end a good thing as avoid abuse.
IMO detecting abusive people is best done by seeing how they react when challenged, especially by someone they might consider a lesser.
With someone coming on too strong too fast you need to keep your eyes open and be aware of your boundaries. It may be someone who’s awesome and sincere who’s just on a different pace than you, it may be an intentional abuser being machiavellian, but it’s also got a pretty good chance of being someone unstable and sincere and oh fucking boy will that cause problems if you don’t have and maintain boundaries.
I use all these techniques to get out of paying for prostitutes.
(Just kidding I can’t afford prostitutes)
Why pay if you gave her pleasure too
Guys I’m not sure if this person is just kidding
yo, did the fucking misogyny of 4chan get exported with this post or why are u all acting like chuds rn??
yo, did the fucking sense of humour of reddit get exported with this comment or why are u all acting like the comedy police rn??
“I am only misogynistic for the JOKE bro, geez”
Lmao, imaging only now discovering how jokes work.
Right, just like the_donald was totally only le funny jokes. And not a beacon for real fashs to meet at.
You’re comparing one of the largest right-wing political movements in reddit history to a greentext post on lemmy. You can downvote me as much as you like but for your own mental health, please go outside.
Outrage over pointing out analogies gotta be one of my favourite online cop outs lmao
That’s a comparison, not an analogy. You need to work on your grasp of nouns, champ.
“I do tend to overexplain and I’m sorry, please shut me down if I do, but please believe me when I tell you that I overexplain everyone and it has nothing to do with your perceived gender, I just have the *tism.” - this is my usually response because it’s true.
I got accused of mansplaining because I was helping someone on a tech support call (they were taking the call to support a user, and I was assisting them) and I started with the basic information they’d need to understand the problem and how to fix it. After the call she turned around to the guy next to her and complained about it and he was just like, “oh, no, he’s like that with everyone”.
My philosophy was based on the fact that our managers hired people for people skills over technical background because they assumed the tech stuff could be trained and that if someone was asking me for help there was a gap in their knowledge somewhere and I had no way to know where it was other than to begin at the beginning and work through it. Most people appreciated it. But some were full of themselves and got pissed about it, those types typically didn’t last very long on that job.
The funny thing is when people say “you’re gaslighting me”, but actually you’re the one being gaslit.
Really the problem with things like this is just when they’re used in bad faith to gain rhetorical advantage. It’s fine to say something to the effect of:
“I believe you’re gaslighting me. Here’s what I remember happening, and here’s some supporting evidence. What you’re saying is that it didn’t happen that way. If your intention is not to intentionally try to mislead me about how things occurred, can you explain?”
But just saying “You’re gaslighting me” when really what’s happened is that the way things actually happened is inconvenient to their argument - that’s the issue. It all comes down to their motivation
I’ve never really understood gaslighting.
Yes I know the original definition.
Yes I know the phrase is overused to describe behaviour it really doesn’t apply to.
I just cant imagine someone actually planning to manipulate someone in this way.
So my father did it, and I don’t think it was intentional, the big thing was that his perspective was to be treated as objective fact in discussions in which he was a part. You could say something like “I’m cold” and he’d respond with “it’s not cold” in a frustrated tone. The long and short of it in how it fucked me up is that I struggle to trust my own subjective reality and feel the need to get permission to feel things. That can be a real problem when it comes time to form and maintain boundaries for example.
Reflect upon how you are acting. Empathize with the other person’s POV. Then discuss rationally from a point of mutual benefit.
It depends if the accusations come in good or bad faith.
Lol, no.
Name checks out
Put in headphones, listen to a comedy laugh and ignore. Probably better turn on the body cam on too… And create space from this person.
And stop trying to get everyone to like you.You don’t even like everyone.
And stop trying to get everyone to like you.You don’t even like everyone.
The first part has been my mantra for years now, luckily, but I like how the second part gives an obvious, concise reason and I’ll add that to my stash of advice for other people. Thank you :)
Ty homie.
Ive been contemplating that and what Bruce Lee says, “we are all one family under the sun. Its just that people are born different.”
That said, if you see a baby in a burning building, tons of people may yell at you not to go into the building. Maybe they dont see the baby, maybe they are idiots…but regardless, if you’re doing something meaningful… ignoring how others feels about you is easier.
Your thoughts r welcome!
