Spend half my life craving companionship, get what I want and crave to be alone. Why am I like this? Whatever the current state of my life is I will always want the thing it is not, like my brain exists in a state of perpetual discomfort with the current state of being.
What is it that I even want and why do I perpetually feel on edge regardless what decisions I make. Go outside? Want to be at home. Stay at home? Want to go outside. Can I just have something and be satisfied with it?
I can only speak for myself.
I’m coming to the conclusion that I just don’t like most people. It’s hard to find real ones, and when I do, I get extremely anxious about not fucking it up, to a counterproductive and avoidant degree (they can’t learn to dislike me if I never subject them to me).
Inside me are two wolves: the desperate people pleaser, and the bitter sectarian. Their conflict produces an infinite amount of anxiety.
I used to be similar but now I am in a constant superposition between bending over backwards for people and being the biggest asshole anyone has ever known. I both love and hate everyone towards both extremes in a way that doesn’t make any logical sense.
Except one dude who im neutral on but thats so rare i fixate on why he is the only person I feel neutral about.