I figured I should post this not just as a warning for myself, but for others that find themselves falling into the same trap I do.
I’ve known for a while that I’ve had a problem with self deprecating humor that goes a little too far. I used to see it as normal, sort of a way of being humble and approachable and signalling that I’m not so egotistical that I can’t make fun of myself.
But over the years the jokes got harsher and harsher until it just became sad. It wasn’t putting people at ease, it was making them sad for me. I didn’t even notice I was doing it for the longest time, but it has cost me friendships. I have been told by a close partner years ago “It hurts me to see you hurt yourself.” and that has always stuck with me as a wake up call. It isn’t cute, it isn’t funny, it’s self harm and it hurts people I care about. Ever since I have tried to reign it in. It’s hard though, and even though I don’t do it as much as I used to, it still comes out every now and again.
I’m saying this because in a recent post someone said something to me that was eerily similar to what that partner said to me all those years ago and it made me realise that I am still doing this. I think it’s a sign that while I try to stop for the sake of other people I’m still not stopping for the sake of myself. I am still seeing myself as not important enough to care about.
It needs to stop and I am going to make a serious effort to stop. I need to learn to value myself as much as I value the people around me.
And if you struggle with the same thing? I hope we can both learn to value ourselves a little more. Every person is worthy so long as they aren’t some kind of imperialist oligarch sipping baby tears.
I embraced self aggrandizing humor instead which builds you up. It’s okay to be a little egotistical sometimes. It’s okay to like who you are and think you’re an amazing person.
Do I think I’m the hottest shit in town? No. But I’m pretty fucking cool and I’m not gonna pretend otherwise.
You’re pretty fucking cool too, and shouldn’t pretend otherwise. It’ll wear down on your soul over time.
I know this is not the point but I have to say you are consistently very funny without the self deprecation.
I relate to this, and I think I’ve gotten better in my old age. Self deprecating humour can be funny, but yeah, don’t get carried away. Don’t instead attack other people – punch up with your humour, perhaps.
The only putting yourself down I want to see from you is putting your self down into a cozy burrow in the dirt to do freaky owl stuff in
“Do you really think I’m so mean that I could ever think that about you?” Gave me a long pause once.
and the self-directed cousin to that question i’ve started asking myself lately: “do i think it’s OK to talk so unkindly about someone else, even as a “joke”? then why is it okay to talk to/about myself like that?”
Yeah, beyond all that it can just come across extremely badly, like you’re trying to subject other people to your ritualized self-loathing as some sort of awful attention-seeking performance or something. Also, self-loathing frequently fails to convey humility because it’s more about being miserable and self-absorbed than about how you do or don’t think you’re better than other people, and if anything it comes off as sort of entitled to drag other people into that shit unprompted. Whether you value yourself or not, it’s just impolite to do to other people.
Not that I have any specific reason to think that’s the case for you, just something I think about from knowing a few people like this, one of whom got better at not doing it when they realized how revolting and rude they think it is, because it’s much easier to just realize a way of being considerate of people you already character about than to deeply internalize a new evaluation of yourself, and the end result still means less reinforcing of the behavior, which potentially makes the new internalizing easier.
That’s right you’re great and should embrace it.
Times are hard and it doesn’t look like it will get bettwr any time soon. Hate to see anyone on here making it any harder on themseves. Wishing you radical self-love, comrade.
You’re literally the coolest owl I’ve ever interacted with on the internet, so take that to the bank
I know we’re not meant to have favourites but you’re my favourite bird
Don’t tell my magpie friends
❤️
I am currently also going through the same trap right now. I once used to be very egotistical, and have since overcorrected too much. To be honest, I don’t quite know if my own cowardness to face my insecurities will ever go away that I can stop putting myself down but I do have a certain resolve to try, and this post definitely helps to strengthen it a bit.
Death by 10000 cuts.
i have the exact same shitty tendency, and it sounds like we’re on similar paths of trying to outgrow it/heal out of it. while i do think what you said is mostly true re: it’s impact on other people, i think first and foremost cutting down on this tendency is a kind and loving thing to do for yourself, and that should be the immediate/main focus imo. it’s easy to write that shit off as just a way of joking around, coping with genuine pain, etc, but if you have a loud/shaming inner critic it really feeds into that part of yourself and strengthens it. these jokes do tend to come from somewhere real, and tend to reinforce that source. (mild self deprecation is okay as an occasional treat, but any more than that is gonna make u sick and send u to the doctor.)
all that’s to say, solidarity my friend
may we all learn greater self-compassion.GOOD post
