This is primarily an autism focused question, although allistics please do chime in if you have something interesting to say!
I’m not referring to stuff like Therians or “not feeling human”, although those are deeply fascinating topics. No I’m strictly referring to finding the task of imagining the human form (in say “daydream stories”) to be unpleasant/uncomfortable.
When I was real young I was REALLY uncomfortable imagining the human form. No problems with animals and weird creatures thought up by toddler me, those didn’t make me uncomfortable!
I brought this up with my IRL friend who’s also autistic. He also experienced something similar!
Anyone else also do this? I kinda want to just… Talk about it. It’s interesting.
I am autistic, bi-polar, and schizophrenic.
I think your question is really interesting because I tend to associate the human eyes with extreme emotions whether it’s in my vivid imagination or if the person is right in front of me. Or myself. Sometimes, when I have conversations with people, I tend to focus on being intent with my listening because my mind wanders. When I feel like crying, I try to avoid looking at anything resembling eyes because I know I’ll let it go when I do. People know when I’m serious because I look it with a real intensity. Or sometimes, people just apologize to me for every little interaction and it hurts because I’m just trying to look out for others. I don’t always look so friendly and approachable.
I’ll look in the mirror five minutes from now and love that my eyes sparkle, then right before bed see nothing inside. A forceful interaction with the only person who knows what’s going on inside and out. I sometimes subconsciously began looking at myself at a different angle through a cabinet mirror because I’m never going to look at myself today, maybe tomorrow too, and most definitely not sure about next week. Selfies are a painful digital mirror; there’s no glamor; it’s tough to smile for the camera because it feels fake; I don’t want the world to see my happiness unless I choose to; my happiness is my love for everyone and everything I care about. So why am I faking a smile and directing my eyes into someone that I’m never really looking at? The physical glass mirror is still fake, but it’s only one degree of fake; it’s still material. The camera is just as fake, too, but it has purpose; it’s a natural progression of how we maintain our memories. And we’ve added them to our tool box. Still don’t like looking into my eyes or having my picture taken.
Even though I spent time describing quite a few contrasts, my imagination does not give a fuck if my emotions are processed and categorized. Looking at myself in the mirror could be full of delusion that I’m looking good today even though I let my beard go crooked and uneven. I can smile at everyone during any given day and mean it, or never mean it.
My imagination forces so much more negativity, at times, than I wish for. It’s so ugly. That’s what really makes me cry.
I see a lot of this when I look in other people’s eyes because that’s what I find beautiful deep down in my heart. It’s just life.
This was a good question!
my eyes are red
