Yeah I lucked out and had a decent therapist. I was afraid to shave my denial beard until I’d started hormones because everyone was going to ask about it (I’d been incredibly vocal about it during my egg days, it also hid my face from me). I wanted to be too late to stop when I came out. And yeah dressing feminine while masculine looking is fucking scary, and it’s even scarier to do it as a trans woman who can’t just brush it off as “fuck you and fuck gender expectations that’s why” or as a gag. I also was very uncomfortable because my experiments with feminine clothing had been extremely dysphoria inducing. It served as a reminder that my body wasn’t the way I wanted, and I was too broke for stuff like breast forms. Add in that I was young enough to get some huge changes if I could get hrt ASAP (I actually managed to get on before my hip bones fused).

If hrt had been available over the counter I probably would’ve started it before I’d even called to make an appointment. Hell my state barely even had hrt doctors back at that time.

Hell I didn’t learn makeup aside from eyeliner until I was recovering from bottom surgery