As a musician I used to say, “Leonard Cohen began his music career in his 30s. I can do this.”

I’m not Leonard Cohen in any imaginable way. Oh, and I’m past that point now too. :p

You’re just lucky. I too feel like I’ve lived through multiple lifetimes. They all went by in a flash.

I’ve been hard on my body and mind though. I’m a dumb hillbilly who started having kids when I was 16. I spent a decade as a functional heroin addict. Functional because I have family that gave a damn about me and I’m so antisocial that I had the discipline to have a week’s supply and not burn through it because the thought of dealing with people was enough to make me pause (mostly). Otherwise I would have been in the gutter with everyone else.

I’ve been through the wringer. Maybe that’s part of it. I don’t know.

Life is funny.

It’s so wild to me that Nirvana is old, that I’m old.

I heard the older folks say that I would wake up and be old one day and it would feel like barely any time has passed. “Young people will treat you like a dinosaur and you’ll still think you’re 25.”

I just can’t believe it.

Time has slipped through my fingers. Everything I put off a week ago was actually thousands of years ago now.

30-40 has been a month or so.

You shoot, you miss, you get nothing. You shoot, you score, you get an H, followed by an O, then R, S, and E. Whoever gets to HORSE first wins.

When I was in school it was shirts vs skins. Two separate schools in two separate states. I’m 39.

At Christian academy we played horse though.

Yeah that describes me pretty well, but I’m not bummed. I mean, not really.

I don’t know. I could use therapy, but I must not have been honest enough because through my drug rehab program I was in therapy and they decided that I didn’t need it any more. They said that if I felt like I did, I could tell them, but I always want to just grab my meds, joke with the doctor, and get out of there.

I don’t know. If I am depressed I’m surviving. I wasn’t surviving before. I was just paralyzed and waiting for death. I felt like a living thing though without having to think about it, but I didn’t want to be a living thing. Now I do, and my life is objectively a mess but I’m doing better than I ever have, so it’s hard to say I’m depressed when I’m doing better than ever.

Life is a challenge, and that sucks because so far for me, it has flown by.

Eh, maybe I am depressed. I was miserable when I was younger though and I’ll take what I have now any day haha.

I appreciate that.

Thank you for listening to it, and definitely thank you for adding it to your library.

That’s actually how I heard of Elliott Smith. I put a couple songs on mp3.com when I was a teenager and several people compared me to him. I listened and I’ve been hooked since. It’s funny, because after I listened to him his influence poured into everything I did after.

Seriously thank you for listening. For fun, here’s one of my favorites that I ever did. Hope you like it too. I was probably 22 when I did this one.

https://mega.nz/file/E00nzD7C#DGOB4O51EalvIREhqAepIe98jvrVIeagR8jcPbmNGgk

And now I’ve shared two. :)

I just wish I had the desire to make friends or keep them. Every step we take in this world requires other people, and yet the most exhausting thing in this world to me is company. I can’t have a career of any kind because the whole idea of doing a social dance makes me want to vomit. It just isn’t in me.

I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.

I always wanted to be a musician and I recorded a lot of songs when I was younger. I got pretty good at it even, and then I just stopped one day because I stopped feeling sad. I never shared any of it really. I still play, I just don’t take it seriously or write any more. I want to, because I put so much of myself into it. When I listen to a record I love, all I can do after is dream about making something that someone would love that much, but even if I did I’d never put it out there.

I don’t even know why I typed this out. Your comment just opened me up I guess.

Fuck it. Here’s one of those songs I wrote a thousand years ago.

https://mega.nz/file/c0lkyZiT#MrSCD8ZCK_W5QmU5hekJrhhP-J3tGKUHvpAR748MQ10

There, now I’ve shared one.

As a cockeyed person, it doesn’t bother me. People rarely say anything. Sometimes you can catch people being confused about which eye to look into but it’s brief.

I did have a kid say to me one time, “Wow, your eyes are like, seriously crossed!” I acted surprised and said, “Seriously? Oh my god! Do you think other people notice?” She felt bad about it and said, “No! No! It’s just where I was standing. I doubt anyone ever seen it.” :p

My eyes are nowhere near as bad as biggie’s though because my sweet mother got me surgery when I was 5 years old. I still thank her for it regularly.

I always assumed he rubbed them on his pits. Now that you ask, maybe he carried them around or something.

Oh yeah, you had that pic just hanging around on your phone. I’m guessing 20s.

Dude, I know you’ve heard it a thousand times, but I was 22 yesterday, no shit.

Man I miss being young. Even with the horrible taste of expired fire extinguisher I’d bet this is a favorite memory. :)

I don’t know why, but this reminded me of one of the absolute worst moments of my life.

I was bullied as a kid, and when middle school hit I wasn’t keen on dressing out for gym in front of those bullies. My gym teacher was probably the biggest dick on planet earth and every three days he’d suspend me for three days for not dressing out. I was suspended for most of 6th grade.

My mom had had enough and threatened me, “I swear to you, if you get suspended one more time over a zero in gym class I will throw your Nintendo 64 in the creek. I mean it!”

Guess what my dumb ass did? I left my gym clothes at home. I was fucking desperate and I went around begging everyone I knew, “can I please borrow your gym clothes?” I finally managed to trade a copy of Donkey Kong Country and 10 dollars for a copy of Extreme G and as a bonus I could borrow dude’s gym clothes.

He handed them to me in a plastic grocery bag and I raced off to gym class. That big, tall, bald bastard of a gym teacher said, “I guess it’s time for your suspension, eh Grassman?” “No sir, I’m dressing out!”(He called me Grassman because I forgot my flag football things and used big giant blades of grass).

I ran back to the boys locker room and slid those clothes from the bag. Oh. My. God!

The smell of axe body spray, ass, and armpits hit me like a ton of bricks. I powered through it, put on the nasty ass shirt, and vomited in my mouth. I just couldn’t bring myself to put the shorts on. I was nearly in tears because I knew I was doomed. I put my clothes back on and I could still smell it on me. I walked out and tried to explain it to the asshole. Nope. Suspended.

I really did think my mom was going to throw my N64 in the creek. She didn’t, thank goodness. Instead she got really pissed and called the school. When I got back I was called to the office and the principal asked me to explain why I had been suspended so many times. He then called Mr. Bald asshole into the office and let him have it for suspending me so many times over not dressing out. “You are denying this young man an education entirely because of gym?” I’d love to have been a fly on the wall after he sent me to class.

I happily took my zeros after that and slept on the bleachers. 1st period was my nap period.

I will never forget that smell though. I can still smell it, seriously. It hit me so hard that 28 years later, I can still smell it. Gah.

I worked with a dude who used crystals instead of deodorant. He was a very talented musician so he was still always hanging with a beautiful woman. I loved his music but I couldn’t stand to be around him.

He had the personality of a dude who uses crystals for deo too.

Ur mom is a locust. Huht huht huht.

When I was a kid I used to kick cigarette butts down the aisles at the local grocery store.

I’m a weirdo and I loved the smell, so naturally I became a smoker at the ripe old age of like, 10.

I know how much other people hate the smell so I’m always so paranoid about it.

I’m about to be a stay at home dad for a bit. I’m quitting to kill the expense. Wish me luck!

I grew up in an insanely religious community and not only have I heard that phrase, it’s been used on me in an argument I had with someone when I was a teenager.

I heard it constantly. I was taught to say it as a small child when I was scared of the dark. No demons gonna get me. :p

It just made me even more sad for her, because it reminded me of the old ladies from my childhood. It was a phrase used to combat feelings of fear. She was terrified and probably thought she would receive help from the almighty in that moment.

You wouldn’t want to see an angry seal penis anyway. Or maybe you would? You dodged a bullet. Or maybe you didn’t?

I have the most typical penis. Nothing special. I’ll describe it if you want. Just your average everyday penis. Now you’re curious. I’m sorry.

I’ll describe it.

Tip like a mushroom, shaft like a stem. Balls where the mycelium would normally be, but not buried. Just hanging out above ground. Mostly black hair, a few grays scattered in. A few inches from an asshole with a prominent hemorrhoid scar. Mostly soft, but occasionally not so soft. Has produced more offspring than is typical. Vasectomy incoming.

Hope that helps.