I never considered myself trans back in Türkiye because on media, we only saw non-passing ones or hyperfem ones.
Bülent Ersoy, Gaga Bulut, crossdressers being shown as trans women on TV series, and the one I saw in my city (they transitioned at age 30+ and I clocked her when I was a kid even though I didn’t know much about trans stuff back then)
I just wanted to be like a cis girl with female voice and appearance, and I thought this is impossible. I also searched online but due lack of my English back at age 15, I couldn’t find anything and I had to give up. I had a sui attempt, and after recovery I got traumatized and I promised myself to just ignore all of my issues.
I stopped studying, I stopped everything that I cared about, just watched TV shows (16-18 was covid), was planning to join French foreign legion so I did gymmaxxing, my social anxiety and everything got worse but I was repping so hard, I was even copying and pasting other men’s behaviours to myself to prevent being seen as fem. I was idolising some men I liked. It made me miserable asf.
(French Foreign Legion is extremely conservative, anti-science, and strictly anti-LGBT.)
If I didn’t move to Canada, and talked to a trans woman online, I would be dead due “depression”.
I repped with sertraline until age 18, and I thought it was just “OCD”… Erdoğan fucked my body and life and now I’m the one who has to pay for the damage?!
I’m so sorry, I’ve had it pretty easy compared to most, but I definitely feel you. Representation is so important, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all the cool trans people online, given how closed off I am, without it I wouldn’t have stood a chance, I’ve never been suicidal but I often wonder where I’d be in a couple of years if I wasn’t exposed to the voices of queer people online. A lot of the things I heard about when I was younger were from cis voices, and it really doesn’t do it.
That’s why I feel things like social media bans are going to cause a lot of harm to young queer people, because we just don’t get that kind of representation in traditional media. Contrary though, I do see a lot more trans people in general now (in public), that and with things like the NHS waiting list probably being (at least in part) due to sheer volume, I feel like public representation could be a good substitute (in safe countries), since I (at least hope) we aren’t going back.
I don’t really have much life experience, and am quite literally 3 weeks or so old (since I accepted myself), so I’m not sure my advice will mean much (sorry), but it seems you’re better now than you have been, If you haven’t already (and if you’re in a stable place to do so), start picking up your interests again, find some people to care about (and who care about you!), and try to make the best of what you have.