I’ve experienced symptoms of depression for as long as I can remember. Over the years I tried a lot of different treatments, medication, therapy, etc. None of it ever worked.
I lost a lot of jobs and friendships because I simply didn’t have the energy to do the bare minimum. I divorced the love of my life in part because I could see how much my chronic illness was weighing on them.
I was never suicidal but I’ve frequently wished I was because that at least would provide me with an option to stop the unending apathy.
There’s never going to be a point in my life when I’m not depressed. I’m gonna have to be very disciplined and work hard to maintain a level of functioning that I consider suboptimal. Mistakes made when trying to judge how much energy something will take or those unavoidable times where you simply need to push yourself more than is comfortable will be setback that could take days or weeks to recover from.
But I have reached a point in which I’m content a lot more. I have a partner that loves me and they’re great. I’m a more-or-less reliable member of a local anarchist collective and people appreciate me and come to me for advice. They’re respectful of my limitations. I’ve been reading more and trying new hobbies. There’s people who love me and I love them.
I can look at a sunset and appreciate its beauty. Yesterday I was singing along with some punk rock while driving and kinda enjoyed it. I baked cookies to share with people and I look forward to handing them out. I found an empty snail shell on the street and it was pretty enough to make me smile.
Is my life amazing? No. Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes. Have I reached the point where I think that work and discipline is worth it more often than not? Definitely.
The best advice I can give you is to do things anyway. Seek out things that are, at least in theory, fun or enjoyable. If there’s something you’d like to try out but it feels scary or not worth doing, try do it anyway. Look for what makes it easier.
Imagine the coolest possible future version of yourself. Try to take small steps to move in that direction. For me that was things like painting my nails, going to Pride, joining a protested, learning to wield a sword… For my partner this was dying their hair, going out to party, learning to make fire… However it looks to you: try to do it.
First off, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have been reading more. I never touched a book after high school but recently went back to reading. I love horror and thriller novels. I never thought a book could be scarier than a video game.
Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes.
This was always something I struggled with.
I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy? It’s like Spock said “After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true.” I think I’d still find something to be sad about.
Painting you nails is cool. I started doing that. I love the complements I’ve been getting. Making fire is fun too.
So… Depends. My whole life was just either being alone or in short relationships, one night stands and just fwb. I was quite happy with that, because i knew that i would lose interest almost immediately. I always felt bad for it, because it sucks, especially if the other person doesn’t feel that way. Thanks to tinder and other shitty dating apps, it wasn’t that big of a deal, because it’s easier to find someone and communicate expectations and so on. I was convinced that i’ll never have a “real” girlfriend. I was even convinced that love isn’t real. I have never told a girl or woman that i love them, i thought other people would just fake love, because they found someone they like and rather have that than being alone.
So now, almost 6 months ago, i met this woman on tinder. She wasn’t looking for anything serious, and neither was i. We hit it off immediately and we met up shortly after. I wasn’t sure if she liked me, but she was really nice and funny and just absolutely stunning, and way too smart for me. But we met again and again. When we met for the third time, we were in bed and we talked for hours, and i asked her if she knew that i loved her. And she said she loves me too. She told me how she was never truly happy with anyone, and was always rather alone. But she loves me, and always wants to spend time with me. And i feel the same way. She’s the first person i have ever met that i want to spend as much time with as i can. We plan on getting married, which if someone told me that 6 months ago, i would literally point and laugh at them for hours. The mere thought of getting married was bizarre to me, unthinkable. Only idiots do that. But here we are now.
Honestly? It depends. You can make it better, if you try or make it worse if you don’t. This sounds like they were not “lonely” that was just something they could blame it on.
Go do something. It doesn’t really matter what. Exercise, join a rpg group, join a maker space, move to a new city, change jobs, join a group about off roading. It doesn’t matter, learn to cook, learn to bake. Just do something.
Laying in bed or staring at a monitor/TV won’t help. Most people will get into a mental loop of how they are bad because they don’t have any real comparisons of real people. You may make mistakes but you will see other people make mistakes too.
Regarding relationships I love the quote from Jimmy Carr (yes he has dark humor and often is offensive) “don’t think what you can get, think what you can provide”.
28 year old here, depressed since 14, nearly kms at 18 and then stayed suicidal till 26.
It do get better. I got a job, bought a house, got a gf, started practicing hobbies, socializing more and working on self discipline (But not self degradation)
Now instead of being consistently 2-3/10 I’m about 5.5/10. Still not a full blown optimist but I don’t want to die anymore.
Yeah, but you gotta make it better. Develop goals and consistently work towards them. If life feels easy you’re stagnating. If it’s only hard because it sucks, you’re stagnating. You should feel like you’re pushing and exerting more than you want. That’s not to say not resting, more understanding that it’s really easy to feel you need to spend all time not dedicated to mandatory things needs spent on rest, and that just easily becomes years of stagnating on the couch.
Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier. - Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman
So goals. Do you feel lonely? Start looking for community and building social skills. I know I know nobody knows how to people. It’s hard to learn. You’re going to fuck up. Do it anyways. It gets easier, because you get better. And actually assess your failures and try to learn from them. You’re building social skills like a muscle, but you’re also learning them like a skill. Have small talk with strangers and coworkers, smile at new people. But there’s no community! Have you looked? Look for things you’re interested in. Board game nights are a goat for this if they interest you. You’re sitting there chatting with new people and have something to focus on and talk about that isn’t sensitive. Ttrpgs are also great. But any hobby will do. And you don’t have to be skilled, you can just show up and say you’re new to the thing. But if you can’t find any you can start one. Put up flyers. Tell people nearby. You can just start shit. I ran an organization for over a year because I wanted it to exist in the area and it didn’t so I just started holding meetings at a bar. (And yeah be prepared for people to not show up, that’s ok, it takes time and you may not have properly gotten the word out, ask around)
Ok but what if you want your mental health to be better? Look into treatments for your issues. I have anxiety and cptsd. I got meds for the anxiety, but they were only part of the solution, because it wasn’t just physical (it’s also physical). I’d also developed unhealthy thought patterns. Learning to meditate and learning CBT techniques helped with both these issues. My wife likes acceptance therapy for her anxiety. I found that when I understand what the worst realistic scenario is for a situation I can work to cope with it and build a plan to resolve the situation rather than spiral into a panic attack and self harm about it. Regular exercise is also vital.
So yeah, it took a lot of work to go from a terrified and lonely closeted 19 year old who was at risk of failing out of college, was engaged in very disordered habits of all sorts, lived in filth, was deeply uncomfortable going to a grocery store much less a social event, and just generally was a wreck who went weeks without talking to people, to a 30 something married woman who still has plenty of issues, but they’re largely under control, whose household is generally doing ok, who doesn’t have panic attacks anymore, nor does she go 1 night a month too anxious to sleep (actually the insomnia is totally gone), and who was able to move across her country to a place she’d never been and only had one friend and within a year has a community and friends completely separate from the friend she already had (as well as integrating into that friend’s local friends). If a loser like I once was can do it, I believe that most people can too.
Dear, older people of Lemmy, does it ever get better?
It does. Unfortunately, it requires a great deal of honest introspection and tough decisions.
It does.
I’ve experienced symptoms of depression for as long as I can remember. Over the years I tried a lot of different treatments, medication, therapy, etc. None of it ever worked.
I lost a lot of jobs and friendships because I simply didn’t have the energy to do the bare minimum. I divorced the love of my life in part because I could see how much my chronic illness was weighing on them.
I was never suicidal but I’ve frequently wished I was because that at least would provide me with an option to stop the unending apathy.
There’s never going to be a point in my life when I’m not depressed. I’m gonna have to be very disciplined and work hard to maintain a level of functioning that I consider suboptimal. Mistakes made when trying to judge how much energy something will take or those unavoidable times where you simply need to push yourself more than is comfortable will be setback that could take days or weeks to recover from.
But I have reached a point in which I’m content a lot more. I have a partner that loves me and they’re great. I’m a more-or-less reliable member of a local anarchist collective and people appreciate me and come to me for advice. They’re respectful of my limitations. I’ve been reading more and trying new hobbies. There’s people who love me and I love them.
I can look at a sunset and appreciate its beauty. Yesterday I was singing along with some punk rock while driving and kinda enjoyed it. I baked cookies to share with people and I look forward to handing them out. I found an empty snail shell on the street and it was pretty enough to make me smile.
Is my life amazing? No. Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes. Have I reached the point where I think that work and discipline is worth it more often than not? Definitely.
The best advice I can give you is to do things anyway. Seek out things that are, at least in theory, fun or enjoyable. If there’s something you’d like to try out but it feels scary or not worth doing, try do it anyway. Look for what makes it easier.
Imagine the coolest possible future version of yourself. Try to take small steps to move in that direction. For me that was things like painting my nails, going to Pride, joining a protested, learning to wield a sword… For my partner this was dying their hair, going out to party, learning to make fire… However it looks to you: try to do it.
First off, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have been reading more. I never touched a book after high school but recently went back to reading. I love horror and thriller novels. I never thought a book could be scarier than a video game.
This was always something I struggled with.
I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy? It’s like Spock said “After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true.” I think I’d still find something to be sad about.
Painting you nails is cool. I started doing that. I love the complements I’ve been getting. Making fire is fun too.
It does. But you have to put in the work. You have to try.
So… Depends. My whole life was just either being alone or in short relationships, one night stands and just fwb. I was quite happy with that, because i knew that i would lose interest almost immediately. I always felt bad for it, because it sucks, especially if the other person doesn’t feel that way. Thanks to tinder and other shitty dating apps, it wasn’t that big of a deal, because it’s easier to find someone and communicate expectations and so on. I was convinced that i’ll never have a “real” girlfriend. I was even convinced that love isn’t real. I have never told a girl or woman that i love them, i thought other people would just fake love, because they found someone they like and rather have that than being alone.
So now, almost 6 months ago, i met this woman on tinder. She wasn’t looking for anything serious, and neither was i. We hit it off immediately and we met up shortly after. I wasn’t sure if she liked me, but she was really nice and funny and just absolutely stunning, and way too smart for me. But we met again and again. When we met for the third time, we were in bed and we talked for hours, and i asked her if she knew that i loved her. And she said she loves me too. She told me how she was never truly happy with anyone, and was always rather alone. But she loves me, and always wants to spend time with me. And i feel the same way. She’s the first person i have ever met that i want to spend as much time with as i can. We plan on getting married, which if someone told me that 6 months ago, i would literally point and laugh at them for hours. The mere thought of getting married was bizarre to me, unthinkable. Only idiots do that. But here we are now.
Honestly? It depends. You can make it better, if you try or make it worse if you don’t. This sounds like they were not “lonely” that was just something they could blame it on.
Go do something. It doesn’t really matter what. Exercise, join a rpg group, join a maker space, move to a new city, change jobs, join a group about off roading. It doesn’t matter, learn to cook, learn to bake. Just do something.
Laying in bed or staring at a monitor/TV won’t help. Most people will get into a mental loop of how they are bad because they don’t have any real comparisons of real people. You may make mistakes but you will see other people make mistakes too.
Regarding relationships I love the quote from Jimmy Carr (yes he has dark humor and often is offensive) “don’t think what you can get, think what you can provide”.
28 year old here, depressed since 14, nearly kms at 18 and then stayed suicidal till 26.
It do get better. I got a job, bought a house, got a gf, started practicing hobbies, socializing more and working on self discipline (But not self degradation)
Now instead of being consistently 2-3/10 I’m about 5.5/10. Still not a full blown optimist but I don’t want to die anymore.
Yeah, but you gotta make it better. Develop goals and consistently work towards them. If life feels easy you’re stagnating. If it’s only hard because it sucks, you’re stagnating. You should feel like you’re pushing and exerting more than you want. That’s not to say not resting, more understanding that it’s really easy to feel you need to spend all time not dedicated to mandatory things needs spent on rest, and that just easily becomes years of stagnating on the couch.
So goals. Do you feel lonely? Start looking for community and building social skills. I know I know nobody knows how to people. It’s hard to learn. You’re going to fuck up. Do it anyways. It gets easier, because you get better. And actually assess your failures and try to learn from them. You’re building social skills like a muscle, but you’re also learning them like a skill. Have small talk with strangers and coworkers, smile at new people. But there’s no community! Have you looked? Look for things you’re interested in. Board game nights are a goat for this if they interest you. You’re sitting there chatting with new people and have something to focus on and talk about that isn’t sensitive. Ttrpgs are also great. But any hobby will do. And you don’t have to be skilled, you can just show up and say you’re new to the thing. But if you can’t find any you can start one. Put up flyers. Tell people nearby. You can just start shit. I ran an organization for over a year because I wanted it to exist in the area and it didn’t so I just started holding meetings at a bar. (And yeah be prepared for people to not show up, that’s ok, it takes time and you may not have properly gotten the word out, ask around)
Ok but what if you want your mental health to be better? Look into treatments for your issues. I have anxiety and cptsd. I got meds for the anxiety, but they were only part of the solution, because it wasn’t just physical (it’s also physical). I’d also developed unhealthy thought patterns. Learning to meditate and learning CBT techniques helped with both these issues. My wife likes acceptance therapy for her anxiety. I found that when I understand what the worst realistic scenario is for a situation I can work to cope with it and build a plan to resolve the situation rather than spiral into a panic attack and self harm about it. Regular exercise is also vital.
So yeah, it took a lot of work to go from a terrified and lonely closeted 19 year old who was at risk of failing out of college, was engaged in very disordered habits of all sorts, lived in filth, was deeply uncomfortable going to a grocery store much less a social event, and just generally was a wreck who went weeks without talking to people, to a 30 something married woman who still has plenty of issues, but they’re largely under control, whose household is generally doing ok, who doesn’t have panic attacks anymore, nor does she go 1 night a month too anxious to sleep (actually the insomnia is totally gone), and who was able to move across her country to a place she’d never been and only had one friend and within a year has a community and friends completely separate from the friend she already had (as well as integrating into that friend’s local friends). If a loser like I once was can do it, I believe that most people can too.