Idk if this is relatable at all, but I get a sort of “high” when things pile up (primarily in social/engagement contexts. I think part of it stems from the fact that I see numerous hints of something to do, but that is immediately offset by the thought/potential of negative engagement and/or rejection. There’s also the thought that once I do engage/respond, my “inbox” will never return to that level. And then I see that as a reflection of myself being too much/not enough. Rinse and repeat

God, it’s such a toxic cycle. I can’t remember any time in my life when I haven’t had this problem in some way, but I think it first started bothering me in high school when I would get unfollowed on instagram or people wouldn’t respond to my texts. So I kinda learned to just avoid and dodge what hurt. Honestly might have been earlier than that when I was deemed a loud mouth and always told to shut up/pay attention

I feel like it’s something I must learn to conquer though, especially in this day and age. I always think to the interactions I’ve had online where I do end up responding and connecting with people (though it doesn’t happen often). It’s like it suddenly dawned on me that I get so upset when I am lonely but sometimes go out of the way to ensure no one finds me. And when people do find me, I always keep them at a distance :/