Hi,
I don’t know if I actually “qualify” to post here, but since I have some levels of transfem or feminine self-identity, I think it might be worth asking. I’m technically in the phase where I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I identify myself as, despite my age, so like… there’s that.
I went to see a therapist who specializes in gender identity. It was pretty nice to be able to “come clean” about myself in a way that was non-judgemental and I was perhaps so gung-ho to talk about it that they were pretty amazed with how comfortable I was talking about it. What they didn’t know is that I was really thinking about it every day for a week before my appointment, even grappling how honest I would be.
Anyway, long story short, there’s a mutual understanding from both me and my therapist that I have to at least talk to my current long term girlfriend about my gender questioning and get some kind of thumbs up or down on whether she’s comfortable with me talking to someone or at least reflecting on myself. I felt bad enough going to the first appointment “secretly”, despite my body being my own choice but as life partners it feels wrong. Since I might be more gender fluid or non-binary, technically, I’d personally be fine “coping” with myself as I am if that was her preference (I mean this sincerely) if otherwise our relationship would end – I value her more than I value my “identity”, if that makes sense.
There’s certain aspects to this relationship that are going to be very different from most: The US policy of the last 6 to 8 years has put us in stasis a bit where we’re stuck long distance, so realistically speaking the next time I can see her in person is probably later this year in the fall. This is probably too long for me to wait before mentioning it, so I’m going to have to try to find some way to make this work in a phone call (or video call).
Anyway, I’m curious to know if anyone else here who came out with partners have any stories about how this went. I’ve heard it usually goes kind of tits-up, so I’m a bit anxious to bring it up especially over the phone. Part of me thinks that my girlfriend basically already knows because the hints can get pretty extreme, but you never know what people will actually think once it’s “confirmed” or not hahaha.
You must log in or # to comment.
I didn’t really have a questioning phase; I went pretty much straight from “it would have been nice to have been a girl” to “oh shit, I’m trans”.
The conversation went largely along these lines:
[ME] So, er, you know what being transgender is, right?
[WIFE] Yeah.
[ME] Yeah.
[WIFE] Hmm, figures.Everything was fine for a year or so, she seemed perfectly supportive, until suddenly she started insisting that I stop “dressing up” (presenting femme) when I’m out of the house, because “what if the neighbours saw you”. No idea what made her change her mind, or whether she was faking support all along.
And so (for that and many other reasons) we’ve now split up.
Hope that helps!
I don’t have concrete advice for you since I’m not in a relationship and weren’t when coming out. But this
Since I might be more gender fluid or non-binary, technically, I’d personally be fine “coping” with myself as I am if that was her preference (I mean this sincerely) if otherwise our relationship would end – I value her more than I value my “identity”, if that makes sense.
will probably change with time now that you started questioning your gender identity. You can’t put that back into a box.
will probably change with time now that you started questioning your gender identity. You can’t put that back into a box.
Also, even if your identity isn’t that far from that which was assigned by genital examination at birth, I can’t imagine many healthy relationships being dependent on someone pretending to be a gender they aren’t.
i can’t tqlk about romantical relationships in any way. but i imagine it to be a friendship with even higher levels of trust and closeness?
I felt bad enough going to the first appointment “secretly”, despite my body being my own choice but as life partners it feels wrong.
this secrecy is what i can’t stand in my life. i hate the feeling of hiding, policing how i act, qhat i wear and not telling where i am going. i was confeonted with the question, if i would keep being trans from a partner, if i could. as soon as i felt i was actively keeping a secrect and having to put effort in it, i wouldn’t want that, i can’t stand it. not even with friends. i’d imagine in a romantical relationship my tolerance for that feeling would be even lower.
outings are opportunities to learn more about the people in your life. :)
Understand it might be hard for her at first even if she’s very supportive of trans people. You’ve had years to process these feelings, you can’t necessarily expect her to me able to process everything herself right away. It might have implications for her own sexuality, the future she imagined together with you, etc.
My partner and I are going through similar things. It’s still hard sometimes but we’re both really trying to make things work, so I have hope it’ll all work out. Open and honest communication is very important.
One thing we’ve had to work on is including each other in our processing, instead of one of us doing processing on these things and then presenting it all at once to the other.
Well, for me it was easy because my wife is also transfem and she had clocked that I was probably trans before we even started dating. When I said I wanted to transition she was like “Egg cracked?”. XD
It’s hard for me to write on this topic without sharing more than I’m comfortable with. Sorry if it sounds a bit vague here and there, that’s just me biting my tongue.
It kind of flooped out when I gave one too many sad sighs. She pressed me on what was going on, and eventually I told her. She didn’t take it very well because she was never exposed to any of this. All she knew about transgender women was from what she saw on tv, which wasn’t exactly a complete representation. We spent a long time talking, with me giving reassurances over and over again that my feelings for her hadn’t changed at all. We had been married for 15 years at the time, have kids, so basically a long happy life together suddenly started to crumble before her eyes. It didn’t help that she is incredibly insecure in general.
It took several days for things to calm down, and I decided to not do anything for a few months to let her process it. It took me years to get to this point, it’s not like I could expect her to speedrun through the entire thing.It’s about a year later now and things are better. She’s still a bit weary, but supports me in a lot of things and seems to be coming round more and more. She already overcame so many of her old prejudices and preconceptions.
It helps that only a month or two after our talk, she got a trans woman as a new coworker at work. That coworker just started HRT at the time and is very outspoken and loves to overshare on everything that’s going on with her life and the changes happening to her body :)There’s still a long way to go, but I feel hopeful.
