“Interpersonal Systemic Shame makes it easy to see people’s laziness, sloppiness, or apathy as the source of the problem rather than a consequence of repeated structural failures. Interpersonal Systemic Shame often involves blaming and shaming people who share identities or experiences with us, because they reflect the qualities we’ve been conditioned to hate in ourselves.”
- Unlearning Shame, Devon Price, PhD
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Venting, dunno if this should be spoilered or not
I really, really want to move this year but the moment I start thinking of all the shit I need to do to actually move I lose all motivation. I hate being depressed because there’s so many things I want to do but I have no energy at all. I have to find a roommate, which is scary in of itself because I have very little people experience and haven’t had a friend for like 2 years lol. I have to switch healthcare, banks, find a place I want to live in the 2 cities I’m considering, find a college in those cities that’s close to an apartment I can afford, plus I’ll have to find a job beforehand… it’s exhausting just to think about.
I have 6k saved at least, and I’ll continue working, at least I’m making progress in that way.
I quit smoking Mary Jane (except for last night, because new years) to see if not smoking helps my mental health, so I hope something good comes from that.
I also feel a little inferior because my older brother (22, I’m 21) moved out at 18, has a $22 an hour job real estate he got from connections, goes to parties all the time, has a ton of friends, tons of hobbies, goes on trips multiple times a year, is super outgoing, meanwhile I live with my mom in a tiny town I deeply hate and have never enjoyed living in for the 15~ years I’ve been here, barely work 10 hours a week even though I pick up as many shifts as I can, never go out, don’t have friends, and have no interest in doing much of anything
Like what went wrong with me lol.
My brother is a great dude btw I don’t blame him or resent him, I’m just envious and it’s hard not to compare yourself to an older sibling