I went through menopause just a few years ago. It threw everything into an upheaval. Thank goodness I didn’t have a partner to be like this to, but therapy definitely helped. She is absolutely going through a lot, physically and mentally, and will be for years. I still have hot flash episodes for weeks at a time and it’s always different.

Your feelings are valid. You have every right to them. Just because someone is going through chemical changes in their body doesn’t mean they can abuse you like this. Telling you that you have no right to your feelings is emotional abuse and she has no right to do that to you. You both need help to get through this, whether separate or together, but this is all new and for you to be told to sit down and shut up is just heartbreaking. Everything happening to her is also happening to you because it seems to me that she’s taking it all out on you and yeah, that affects you.

You are not dumb or stupid. You are caring and sympathetic to what she’s going through, and she reacts to this with hostility and arrogance. I can’t imagine anyone is obligated to put up with that from anyone, for any reason. It might change in time, but not if she never acknowledges the validity of your feelings and your right to have them.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

See a therapist. It’s great you feel comfortable reaching out to the community, but our time is fleeting and memories short. Going to speak to someone who is professionally trained to help people in these kinds of circumstances on a regular basis helps a lot.

Seek professional help. Have her find a good OBGYN and go over what’s going on with her body. Could be hormone imbalances or her mental state is affected from everything she’s been going through. Don’t take advice from random strangers here.

You are allowed to have feelings, you are allowed to demand to be treated well, you are allowed to uphold your boundaries when you arent.

It’s up to you if you want to try to work on things with them.

I wish there was an easy solution.

Besides the advice to seek OBGYN help, I strongly recommend couple’s therapy/counseling. For EVERYONE.

My wife and I started going to therapy when we were having some issues with communication and it was remarkably helpful. Getting to have a trained third party help work through your issues can assist with reframing and seeing things through one another’s eyes.

Like, obviously your wife isn’t the only one suffering here, and for her to tell you your feelings aren’t valid is outrageous, but she cannot see that from where she is emotionally right now. But getting her into a different setting and with someone trained to work through things like this may very well be able to get her into a state of mind where she can see how she’s effecting you. And at the same time, a therapist can help you to better support her by identifying the ways you already are and helping her recognize them, but also by helping her to communicate ways that you can better assist.

I genuinely cannot recommend couple’s therapy enough to EVERY couple. You don’t wait to bring your car into the shop until it’s broken, you bring it in for maintenance occasionally. Treat your relationship the same way and it’ll reward you, I promise.

I’m a woman in her forties and maybe my perspective helps. What I’ve noticed about myself as I am approaching menopause is this: I won’t tolerate stuff that I don’t want. No compromise anymore. My body just won’t allow that I be in a place I don’t want to be in, with people I don’t want to be with, in conditions I don’t control … so I’m probably not a very nice person anymore in the way I used to be - but at same time feeling powerfully aligned with what I really want for myself, and walking out of situations that don’t serve me.

As women are still raised to please and support others many of us tend to wear ourselves out in caring for other people and their opinion, and when that falls away with menopause the results can be very painful for the person themselves and their families. This change in me killed my relationship, and I do feel very sorry how it all went down, but I was literally physically unable to stay and remain in this ‘wife’ situation that I tend to almost automatically create for myself when with a partner.

And for your situation as a partner: No, you never have to put up with your partner criticizing you all day and dumping their rotten mood onto you. That’s not acceptable for any reason.

Regardless of what sex someone is, or menopause, or not, in crises, most people lash out at those closest to them.
Ask her what she wants and if she wants to work it out somehow. Seek professional guidance.

As someone a little older and without a wife going through menopause yet, FUCK NO you are not wrong for feeling that.

She is going through the brunt and you seem to understand that from this post. That doesn’t mean you aren’t going through it too. Just like couples going through pregnancy, deaths, or other life events. It normally effects one more than the other, but it doesn’t mean the other partner isn’t going through issues. You are married. That means BOTH of you go through things together.

She is very much entitled to her selfishness for this period of time. I don’t have tips or tricks, but I will say avoid fights. Even if you both sometimes understand it’s just venting and neither of you mean what you say.

Try to pick up an unrelated hobby. Start taking walks. Public libraries have apps that let you checkout books, if you have a reading list. There might be a support group for men going through this. If there isn’t could you start one, because I have a feeling I will need it in a few years.

She needs support more than anything. That means not telling her some rando on the Internet agreed with you. Her body is crazy. My wife told me stories of other ladies going through it at her work. She asked questions and is not happy about what is on the horizon.If she doesn’t want you support though then focus on you. Draw a doodle.

My wife is almost on the other side and yeah, it’s shit. But we’re both stubborn & last year she started to recognize all the shit slung my way -and you hit the nail on the head: it’s not an apology that’s needed, it’s the recognition.

We’ve been together 26years now and I can’t imagine going through this at you stage of life. Good luck.

My coworker had a full hysterectomy in her late 30s for the same reason and she’s described it as basically a living hell for about a year. Just a complete nightmare where she felt like her body completely turned on her and she had no control over anything it was doing - hearing about it made my attitude about keeping my ovaries much more enthusiastic. BUT she was pretty much fully through menopause after that year, so the good news is that your wife’s situation is likely pretty temporary. The bad news is that a year can feel like much longer when things aren’t going well, and I’m guessing she can’t do any hormone replacement to ease her symptoms because of the cancer risk. I did keep my ovaries and I’m still having some hormonal nonsense (pseudo hot flashes are not making me real optimistic about the real thing, let me tell you), so I can only imagine how much that sucks.

The thing is, you’re probably not actually doing anything wrong, it’s just a total tsunami of fuckery in her body atm that’s making her feel that way. I would suggest marriage counseling, because it’s possible that a neutral third party can help your wife see that, even though she’s not totally in control of her body or feelings right now, she still doesn’t get to make you feel like shit and she might end up destroying a relationship she still wants once she’s past this stage. There’s no easy solution, though, it’s just everyone putting their heads down and pushing through it, unfortunately.

I am officially in menopause as of next month. Honestly I’ve had almost no symptoms and that’s because I’m psychiatrically medicated to the teeth. Naltrexone seems to have made the most difference, I’m on it for an anxiety disorder, it’s usually used for substance abuse, but I tell you I’ve done really great. Menopause is not to be taken lightly.

I am sorry you are suffering too, beyond the hormonal upheaval she is so young, she may be grieving the loss of her fertility, even if she was not planning children - the usual advice of saying “I’m sorry, that sucks, do you need anything from me” is all I have. Imagine you lost your balls! It would suck, right? Then if she came at you asking you to please consider how it affected her, it might irritate you, yes? Not saying you are wrong in any way to BE affected by it, obviously it would affect you - just that laying that on her when she can’t handle it is probably why she overreacts.

I hope the treatment is helpful and everything settles out soon. Hang on for now.

Definitely seek professional support for your own feelings.

In the meantime however, are you doing what you can to support her through this? She’s, understandably, totally at capacity right now just trying to survive her own shit. Its possible that if you’re able to ease her burden, she might have enough mental capacity to recognise you and spend some of her mental energy on you. Or, worst case, she just suffers less.

You have every right to express your feelings. If she is unable or unwilling to accept that, then you two need to go to couples counseling. If she doesn’t want to do that, then it’s time to consider divorce. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. It’s one thing to weather foul moods from time to time, but it’s another thing to be disrespected and emotionally abused. I don’t care how bad menopause is. It simply isn’t acceptable to abuse your loved ones. She needs to recognize this and do every thing in her power to correct this behavior, including finding a good OBGYN and getting the necessary hormone treatments.

Estroven, evening primrose, vitamin d and calcium. That’s what’s gotten my mom thru it. All OTC stuff and my obgyn recommends them too

I would suggest suggesting them for help for hot flashes. I wouldn’t bring up mood swings unless she does. Hope that helps