much sad indeed. may she forever live in our hearts

Netherlands kind of surprised me on this one

I’ve struggled with something similar in the past and there could be a lot of reasons for it. I’d say overall though don’t beat yourself up, we all tend to learn in different ways and struggled with different concepts and aspects in our lives.

I’d start with your health and making sure you brain has enough nutrients, are plenty hydrated, have lots of sleep, and you have some sort of exercise you enjoy. keeping your body in shape tends to cut down the amount of energy you need to keep it running so it in turn frees up resources for the brain.

next, I’d try to come up with a strategy for how your brain tends to work, especially when at low capacity. develop strategies to help re-engage your brain at those moments. for some pacing or just going for a walk helps. others, having something to fidget with. for me, I tend to fidget with something or doing something mindless while thinking about the problem I have at hand. you’d be surprised at how much that can kickstart your brain back into gear.

next, try lowering your overall mental capacity. cutting down on decision fatigue can help a lot. some examples could be automating aspects of your day to day life, cutting down on certain stimulus, or just making decisions in advanced so you don’t have to think too hard about it. this can help clear your mind and help you keep focus for longer periods of time.

next , explore some stimulants. do be careful though and make sure it doesn’t conflict with your overall health. for some a cup of coffee is all they need. I tend to reach for 1 cup in the morning to increase my focus and throughout the day I drink Teas with lions Maine and reshi. the tea can help open neural pathways and caffeine tends to keep your brain alerted and focused.

lastly, you can look towards pharmaceuticals or drugs. personally I feel this is the last place to look and again shouldn’t interfere with your overall health. these can be dangerous but if used properly and in moderation can boost mental performance. I’ve used ADHD meds in the past and they can help a ton if that’s what you need. talk with your doctor to see if it’s something right for you. on the other side, psychedelics, more specifically psilocybin can help create new neural pathways rapidly. I’d say use it as a last resort and you’ve done extensive research on it and know the risks to your health and the legality of it in your area.

I hope this helps. programming is hard! it takes the best of us to really understand it all. whenever I struggle to learn a new concept that I think should just be easy, I always look back at how far I’ve come and just be proud of it no matter how small. best of luck!

I don’t think I can forgive her or my community, at least any time soon. all I wanted was to lift her up but she choose to tear me down. my community choose to tear me down. how can I feel safe to be myself if it feels like the world is out to get me? why should I forgive myself if the world around me tells me I should be ashamed for being a man. for having needs. for wanting love…

you’re right though, in order to move on I have to forgive. I have to forgive her, I have to forgive my coworkers who choose to stay silent, I have to forgive my community for throwing me in jail, I have to forgive the world that shames men for existing…

I’m just having a hard time letting go. I feel so empty and hollowed out and I just don’t know where to start. I’ve been taking my therapists and family’s advice and working on my self esteem.

sorry for the rant I just needed to vent a little. thanks for the advice I really appreciate it.

it’s not that I ignored it, it’s just I couldn’t hear it. therapist believes it’s due to having adults in my life growing up who’ve weaponized my love. at some point I just turned it off as it just hurt too much. it’s been a process but I’ll remember, thanks

I’ve always had a hard time listening to gut feelings and its something I’m working on with my therapist atm. hopefully when I get back out there I can be more aware of it. I like the idea of small amounts of trust and building it up, I’ll definitely use that. thanks for the wise words and for reading through my long post its much appreciated :)