Stork [she/her]

is sometimes I hear something in the night when im trying to sleep and I immediately panic thinking someone got inside my place besides my dog. I hate this. Since this is like the fifth time now within the last few months. And then I have to turn on the lights to feel a bit safe.

I’m having a hard time falling asleep because I’m back to thinking of that stuff that happened with my brother when my dad died back in march and a week before his funeral. But it angers me that he tried to weaponize the police on me when I told him to leave me alone and to leave especially since he doesn’t live here and we never been close and he just comes right in when my dad died when he was never here?

I’m tired that people called the police on my in the past like this one therapist like a decade ago. Or like tried to hang it over my head like my dad once did a few years ago when I was with a friend. Why would they do that. Just to put me in my place? Just to tell me they have control over me? That I’m not a person? I know im not seen as a person, and I’m finding myself that perhaps it is true I’m not a person.

I remember dreading the worse of my dad dying and it happened. Nobody can say I didn’t do anything. I know he could only save himself, but like, it not as if I didn’t try to talk to him or be there when I could. And like, only my dad told me things he didn’t feel like he could tell others.

I remember staying awake all night just to make sure he would wake up in the morning. In return I get called childish because oh I must be so immature to sleep in all fucking day. That what my family thinks. Ignoring the other sleeping issues like insomnia. But I would stay up sometimes to make sure he’d wake up in the morning and I’m somehow fucking immature or I should be ashamed.

It’s either being told I’m childish/immature or getting told I’m unstable. I hate it when someone tells me that. And if not that, I’m just disposable when im simply of no use like the one time I told someone I was in a bad headspace and couldn’t be there for them that day, and they immediately removed me. And like plenty of times when that person wasn’t doing too well either and wanted to be alone, that’s okay. But it not okay when I want something for myself to. I’m sorry for having limits.

Just fucking leave me alone. Why would you do this to me? And to have it end up haunting me now. I miss talking to my dad.

So like, earlier this year back in March, my dad died. He drank himself to death. I stayed with him and I tried a lot of times to help him or try to get him to stop. There were lots of nasty arguments and he was sometime mean. And I remember constantly venting about him and his drinking.

That kind of just context, anyways like. What of the reason I wanted to write stuff on here again and tak about is like, I feel like, I’m not sure how to word this. I’m not seen as a women but seen as a women but not in my family? Like me being trans is erased? Like the thing that bothering me is what happened yesterday.

My grandma invited me along with going with one of my aunts to this market event that my dad use to go with her. So I decided to come along. They sell food and like just home made stuff at this time of year. I’ve decided to join along since I haven’t gone anywhere in a week.

When we were getting food to go, my grandma introduced me as my dad’s daughter. Which made me happy, but like, there is a problem that kind of been going on for the last many years. She also keeps calling me he, and so do my aunts.

And for my grandma, I can normal like, tolerate it, since sometime she does use she, but at the same time like. It does hurt, and then my aunts just always keep calling me he and I do not understand.

But like when I was carrying the to-go bags for them, some of the gravy spelt out and got on my pants. And encourage me to go clean it and use the restrooms. They then showed me where and I looked at the women’s bathroom, and my grandma was then “not that one! the men’s restroom are over there. No one will give you issues.” And it really confused me.

I have been on HRT for at least a decade and have been out for a decade. And this year been making me doubt a lot about myself, and thi kind of just ended up being hurtful. Like, does my grandma or aunts not see me as a woman? My grandma introduced me as my dad’s daughter so its very ??? why are you telling me to use the men’s restroom then?

They decide to go put the food away and I use the women’s restroom because no way am I using the men’s restroom.

Like to add, outside of family, strangers will gender me correctly usually. I will get called ma’am or miss. Like, it just feels weird because it like im kind of being acknowledge im a woman by family, but at the same time not.

Besides that, this is on top of other things that happened. Kind of where I ramble a bit, but earlier this year, I lost a doctor I saw for HRT and they said they would refer me to another place, they even sent a letter saying that. Only when I found another place they decided to be like “sorry can’t help you!” and act as if it was invalid and they only took it seriously when I like complained to someone.

And then I manage to get that sorted, since one of the reason I see a doctor is maybe I would like an orchiectomy in the future. Anyways I manage to get a new doctor but the doctor wanted to get my blood tested so I went to the place to get my blood tested and for whatever reason, they kept calling me he and shit and like it really ruin my day.

And then something else but one my siblings, who im not really close to. But my sister ended up deadnaming me to out of the blue to.

Along with this one of my mom’s friend who became my friend after my mom died three years ago, like. asked me out of the blue if I had started hrt or not or if I prefer to go by she. since she didn’t like calling me they when talking about me to others. and I think that something that like… really confused me. She does call me she now and I know she just wanted to be sure and some clarification since she didn’t like calling me they, but I felt a bit blindsided by that.

and it just feeling like this weird spot where it seems im acknowledged but not really acknowledge and I don’t know.

I don’t know. Normally I can like, work my way through being upset, but this year has been not great. And I have found myself reverting into behaviors I thought I had been better about like thinking everyone hates me and I should just leave because who wants me around? And I because of that I lost a like, very close friend back in July.

Also like a week before my dad’s funeral, my brother like. Around the time my dad died, my brother kept infantilizing me and acted as if I was a child. He gave me a speech saying how “children need to leave the nest” when like I chose to stay to try and help my dad. And like I have worked in the past, I have an associates degree! I know it not much, but it was all I could get at the time.

And he was never here, maybe showed up three times a year and my dad was so upset when he didn’t show up when it was Christmas. But my brother acted as if I was a child. and when I confronted him, his excuse was. “I don’t know you.” as if that an excuse to belittle me? or patronize me? but like, the topic of phone calls came up and he went “you need to handle phone calls. they will be easy. all adults do it.”

and that upset me since like. I have a speech impediment, phone calls are not easy! Yes there is anxiety, but even without it, it is a difficulty. Like for example when I called the power company, the lady on the other end didn’t understand me when I gave the account number and she made a patronizing comment that “there are no letters in a numerical account!” as if I didn’t know that.

anyways like to go back to this. when my brother talked about phone calls. I told him to stop patronizing me and he got upset. And I told him to leave, since he doesn’t live here. I told him to get out and leave. He refused to leave and I got more upset. And then he recited a prayer as if I a demon, and said I was acting unstable and he was going to call the police.

And fortunately I manage to talk him out of it because I do not want to be involuntary detained again for the third time. He did say sorry after that and I did forgive him but I’m still hurt by that. And I don’t think he realizes just how much I will refuse involuntary detention. I will not let myself be sent to a psych ward ever again. When he did that I was already thinking of barricading where I live from the police if they did actually come by. Never again, I refuse to step foot in a psych ward ever again.

I just. This year has not been great. Like to go back to that friend I lost. Back in July I tried to make myself sick in the heat. Because at the time. I was dealing with feeling of not being a person, not being seen or treated as a person. And sometimes I still feel that way and its a hard feeling to manage. But it lead to me making my sick in the heat and thinking not even my close friend liked me. And ended up defaulting to like that leaving behavior.

And she was someone I could talk about things and she understood a lot to, but she gone now to and it is my fault. I thought I was doing better. And now I haven’t really talked to anyone in the last like I dunno. When was July? Like really talk to someone, not just put on an appearance for others.

I don’t know. I remember when my brother infantilize me I was very taken back because was that how he always saw me all along? and what do my aunts/grandma and such see me then? am I not a women?

it just making me really doubt everything about myself or the last decade. And I feel more lost than ever in my life. It was already hard when my dad was alive and living with him.

But now it just feels like im being put into a more isolating box of hurt and pain. Like I can’t even talk about my dad death much because I was the only here with him. My brother wasn’t here, nor was my grandma or aunts/uncles. They weren’t the ones who had to step in his puke. They weren’t the ones who had to had difficult conversations with him that he was going to die if he didn’t stop. They weren’t the ones who ended up being kicked out for like a week by him. They weren’t the ones who like, sometimes he took things out on while drunk.

Like my brother wasn’t the one who needed firefighters to come here in January of this year when our dad fell and he couldn’t get up.

I honestly just don’t know where to go from here. I just feel so lost in the dark and feels like a lot of things about myself have been eroded over time.