CW: SI, dysphoria
I really should just kill myself already. I’m a spineless coward who won’t stand up for anything. People don’t even target me, but I keep letting ableism, racism, transphobia, and other bigotries slide instead of calling people out. I haven’t attempted to socially transition at all; just perma boymoding.
I’m not good at anything except making neurotypical white liberals (who are categorically dipshits) think I’m smart because computer toucher (which I’m actually terrible at). I’m autistic but lack special interests because I have no interests and nothing makes me happy. I’ve never been through real hardship, so I really have no excuse or right to be so fucking miserable all the time.
Maybe if I came out in my late teens or early twenties or hell, even mid twenties, I’d have a chance. I am defeated. There is no future for me. I am absolutely disgusting. I have the build of a diabetic thrice-divorced former linebacker. My voice sounds like a bass drum full of gravel. My personality is only ever most boring motherfucker you’ve ever seen or bitter sad asshole.
I don’t have the courage to kill myself because I don’t have the courage to do anything. Maybe I should just get really drunk and blow up at everyone I know in life until all my bridges are burned and I’m well and truly alone? Maybe then I’ll have the guts to fucking kill myself. No one will ever take me seriously.
The more I hear about Michelle, the more I hate her.