I saw this image in a comment the other day, and wanted to take my own crack at it.

I came up with:

你好，我正在美国的百年国耻潜逃。哪儿能买一盒白魔爪無糖运动能量飲料？

I felt like 潜逃 was more appropriate for a fugitive of the Hitlerite kkkrakkker state, and it just seems sensible to ask where to find 一盒 so I don’t have to make a bunch of trips.