I’m sorry I’m just gonna write crap about my life again really. So you can just skip over If you don’t want to read. I’m a pretty bad writer lol.

I feel like no matter what I try, I always somehow mess up and end up in the same hole I tried climbing out of due me being such a pinhead. Haven’t really felt particularly happy or content for probably half a decade now and frankly I feel like a mix of anger and melancholy.

Thought college would be a better social place for me. But ended up being that people don’t like when someone is silent most of the time. That and the blockades really degraded my social skills from eh to pretty shit. Since I’m from a village and all I don’t see much action which is probably why I feel alienated as well. Only got maybe one guy I who I go out with from time to time but idk I feel likely he goes out with me more out of pity then that he actually likes me even though he seems cheery on our hangouts. We’ve known each other since we were in kindergarten basically. But still I feel mostly alone and frankly want to be because I don’t think people don’t deserve such a miserable and sad person like me.

Truth is I don’t really like going to large social gatherings. I’m too scared for them and frankly I feel like I’m sticking out like a sore thumb on most of them. Just not feeling normal. So much to call myself a socialist lol. Not to mention my parents telling me that nothing good will ever come out of me. I’m entering my early 20s and I never felt more shit.

The state of the left here is frankly depressing. Found out about org drama, because of course a minor leftist party has infighting, and I feel like bashing my head to a wall with how petty It sounds. Also I think we should actually focus on organizing rather than doing electoral stuff. Not to mention my local branch is basically non-existent due to members leaving due to inactivity.

To not end this on a too bad of a note. I’ve been working out and I’ve been trying to learn new stuff. I’m going to driving school later this month which is neat. If the blockades still continue, which they seem like they are, I’ll probably get a job somewhere here in my village. I did apply for an indie animation project today but I’ll keep my expectations low. I did also go to protests so I somewhat got over my fear of social anxiety. But I’ll see what I can do. Thank you for reading If you actually got trough this writing.