Sorry if this is different from my usual posts. I’m just reflecting on how I never fully open up to people. I say a lot of private shit that most people don’t talk about, but I never take real risks. I never take chances or let myself believe that feelings could ever be reciprocated.
I’ve acted in less fortunate ways in the past when I fall for someone (Not anything serious, just being a bit creepy and obsessive). I’m always scared of turning people off, so I never even let myself care or become attached. I hold people at arms length and never reach out in the first place. I’m afraid of caring, because caring hurts in a way simple rejection doesn’t.
I hope to let myself swim with the current more next year. I’ve never believed in myself like I do now. I know I’m resilient and capable of more than it feels like I am. I need to take the plunge and get hurt, because it sucks not swimming. Hell, maybe I’ll finally swim again now that I’m less repulsed by my body. I hope to rock a swimsuit at least once this summer
For me, it doesn’t really matter because I can’t go anywhere and be myself. I physically fall apart before I even arrive. I was raised in one of the most toxic and prejudiced religious cult-like environments. One of the first aspects I really disliked about that culture was the misogyny. Now, I refuse to chase. I don’t want that expectation of gender roles. I want my equal; to compel another as much as I am compelled. Like I’ll call a couple of times, but I won’t keep calling unless she calls me. I want to be invited places and to do things too, not just be the one putting everything together. That is why I ghost people; they weren’t reciprocal.
I feel the gender roles things, but I’ve also realized that putting myself in situations where any sort of chasing can happen is my problem. Reciprocal or not, I need to put myself out there in uncomfortable ways to see any social interaction.
I know I’m not alone, as gen z has a particularly hard time with meeting people on a large scale. Society isn’t designed for people 😮💨